The SWEETEST thing!

There are very few moments in my life that leave me completely gobsmacked and utterly speechless. This is one of them. One of my best friends wrote this sincere and heartfelt blog about me. It made me cry (while I was at work, mind you). I love you, Cherice... I mean, ANAL.

Jessica, what would I do without you?

Dear Jessica,

I can remember one of the first times I met you, it wasn’t in the band room, it was actually in the auditorium at Cashman Jr. High where we both were Commancharos! Go Yellow and Red! You were this tall crazy outspoken girl playing basketball and I was a delicate cheerleader with a bad perm. I would cheer for you chanting “we want a basket…” well, all 50 of us. Later in high school you went to Bonanza and I went to the best high school ever, Clark. We were separated and torn apart from the hip. Like fate you and I were embracing once again at the Half Time Show Review in our ugly band uniforms. I remember sitting in the bleachers next to Tammie and I heard my name being screeched. As I looked down you were jumping up and down in your poop outfit, clarinet in hand! I almost tripped over 20 people to get that hug that I had been waiting for years. (Do you remember that?). God those were the days. Then, like a criminal you were torn away from me once again and sent to crazy camp. It wasn’t until we were adults that we reconnected. You found me on MySpace and before we knew it we were trying to come up with excuses to leave Melinda the Magnificent and all her dragon slayer friends. And there is where Lauren Slappy was born! I know you have that picture we took together, find it and send it to me please! Since then we have grown to be so close.

As loud as you are, as graphic and unfiltered as you are, you mean more than I can express. I accept you for you. I don’t care if your “Vegas Famous”, or your situation with MM, or your half organs, I love you! You are intelligent, beautiful, dedicated, inspirational, confident, real, and many more adjectives that I can’t think of. I think what I love the most about you is you always know what to say to me when things are looking bad! I tend to do things based on emotion and you talk me out of potential disasters. You’ve been through a lot so you know what to say. You’re not afraid to be vulnerable!

J- jokester
E- excellent listener
S- sassy
S- sexy
I- irresistible
C- chaotic
A- ace

I love you. If I could redo my wedding party, and I would, I would have you standing up there next to me and Tammie. Don’t worry, we will renew our vows and you will be there!

(THIS IS THE ABOVE MENTION PICTURE - We make DRAGON SLAYIN' look good!)

Random-acity.

List time, people.

1) Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" track. As much as I tried hating her at first, I gave in to Ms. Perry. This song rocks my socks. I hear it about 4 or 5 times a day and I am not sick of it. In fact, something in me takes over and I start jamming to it! I think I love this song because it reminds me so much of a certain someone. This song makes me insanely happy, if you are ever driving along the 15 during rush hour or are stuck on Hell Blvd. (Blue Diamond), you will get a first rate show. On a side note, I still want to punch Fergie in the face, the only good thing to come out of her trap is "workin' on my fitness," which has become my motto! C'est la vie. Oh, and I still swear that if I ever meet her I'd day, "Fuck you Fergilicious, big girls DO in fact cry." I may even toss in the middle finger for shits and giggles.

2) Body Pump. It's not easy getting up at 5:05 AM to go torture myself and usually within the first 5 minutes, I regret the decision, but when all is said and done... I feel SO good about myself. I got through it and I did a kick ass job. I also met an amazing person, Monica, who happens to be the instructor. She's ridiculously motivating and funny; she's an awesome person and I am beyond thrilled that we are friends!

3)Dresses. Really, I am loving the fact it is getting HOT. My body is getting smaller, so I am thinking I want to flaunt the improvements! Dresses also pair nicely with flip flops, which I live in almost year round. If only I enjoyed shaving my legs... someone want to buy me electrolysis? Please and thank you!

4) Obama. Good God, I love him. Really, he has not disappointed me too much. Yes, a lot of Vegas folk were offended by his "you shouldn't be having big hoorahs in Vegas..." comment. It's absolutely correct. Sorry to my buds in the service industry, but it make sense. You cannot cut out middle management, then take the higher ups on a weekend getaway to the city of Sin... it makes no sense.

5) Baby Deanzo! Really, I love him so much. He makes every shit-tastic day better. He's my sunshine, lollipop, rainbow. (Do you people really question my gay man status?) I also love my Beans and Zuki Muffin. My cats are all sorts of delicious.

6) Unity Church. In my quest for all things AMAZING, getting back in touch with God is the right move. I went to services and cried. How often do you go to church and get uplifted? Really? I've never been to a church where the Reverend says, "we do not discriminate based on race, creed, sex, ORIENTATION, political persuasion..." My goodness was that refreshing. Thank you Cherice, this is the best gift you could have ever given me. I hope I can share it with others.

7) Manicured finger nails. Yes, I have acrylics (because I am a disgusting nail biter) and I love them! I don't care how "fake" or "hooker" or "insert trashy insult here" they are assumed to be; they make me feel so girly, pretty, and happy. Also, this week, I got a kick out of choosing black nail polish only to have my manicurist throw it in a drawer and to which I rebuffed stating, "no, I wanted that color!" He looked at me confused and said, "REARRRRY?!" (I know, I am a shitty racist), and I said, "yes, I want black, it's like my soul." I KILL me.

8) Blogging. It's an addiction. I love typing some of the nonsense that flows through my brain. It's all sorts of tasty. I also am being blog stocked. My "views"are entirely too high for the amount of "followers" I have. I am VEGAS FAMOUS, after all.

9)Jason Segel. Fuckin' A. Someone I know has to know him. We need to meet. I am entirely convinced he is my soul mate. Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I Love You, Man? Knocked Up? Oh man, he's hysterical! Really, I still pine for Ben Affleck and Paul Rudd, but Jason is now at the top of my "spank bank" list. Mmm... he's just delicious.

10) Post Secret. Dear Frank, you are amazing! He's liberated so many people. One day, I will make my own post card... Perhaps, I will have a POST SECRET CARD MAKING PARTY! Done.

That's all for now... As for my lack of blogging, there are internet issues at my house... it's currently down (I know, it makes me want to slit my wrist, too... I miss HULU and YouTube). This situation should be resolved shortly, fingers crossed!

I hold 'em at attenion, cause new Jessica's on a mission.

All of my life I have been a people pleaser. More concerned with others than myself... but that has ended. If you say something shitty and crappy, I am going to tell you it's shitty and crappy. I am not feeding into anyone's bullshit or letting people buy into mine.

I have never been one to hold my tongue, but the days of me being concerned with people's feelings about my REAL opinions are over. I am letting it all out. I can't for the life of me keep doing what I have been doing. It's not healthy and I am not happy.

This is me. I live in my skin at the end of the day. I don't want to be "coulda, woulda, shoulda" anymore. I am weeding people out of my life.

So, if I am telling you now that I want you in it (my life) and you don't show the same respect to me, you will soon be gone. Yes, I have a wide network of friends and I know a lot of people, acquaintances are fine and dandy, but the term "friend" isn't going to be used so loosely nowadays. I have a lot of acquaintances and I know a lot of people and I can easily distract myself with any random person... meeting new people isn't hard for me to do. From what I am told (and her goes my ego again) people gravitate to me and it's a true assessment. I am very much a people person (duh, I like to please people, it's plain and simple).

The term "friend" in my book now comes with expectations and requirements. As crappy as it sounds, it really is "shape up or ship out." I am a hot commodity and my time (just like my words) is one of the only things in life I truly own and can be held accountable for. So, don't blow it.

There are some people that I have let slip away, trust me, it's a conscience choice. I am better off without you. Some people will be harder to let go than others, but this about me and right action for me. Not anyone else.

There are people who care about me so much and it's not fair to them or myself to kind of lead people on. I am not going to spread myself too thin. I am going to invest in the people I feel are worth my time, energy, words, and devotion.

This about me. Me, me, me and I want it that way...

One-sided friendship.

I had a conversation tonight with a friend about our relationship or lack there of... and the gist of it boiled down to his shitty response: "well, I'll call you when I want to talk."

As a friend, I tend to be needy at times, but I can also be very, very distant... almost to the point where I disappear and stop returning phone calls and texts are ignored, but just when you think you have lost me, I reemerge. Thankfully though, I have a wide group of friends that I can keep myself occupied with.

But really? I have to wait for YOU to CALL me? First off, in this particular "realtionshit" I am the one who has to initiate the few calls that we do have. Of course, I said it was selfish and one-sided for it to be this way, but that's what it is. Relationships on any level function as a two way street. I can't be your friend only when it's convenient for you... it's crap and it kind of hurts my feelings. I think I may just like him more than he likes me. Which is okay, it happens in relationships. There are several people who I like more than they like me and vice versa, it happens, it's life. I am thankful to be a part of each and every person I am involved with lives. Really, I don't have a problem meeting new people. Send me anywhere and I guarantee I will make a new friend and have their number in 20-30 minutes. I am a people person. People love the shit out of me, sometimes I feel bad that I spread myself too thin. There are so many interesting people with their life story and I want to hear it all. I gladly welcome random, awkward, stranger conversation; that shit gets me off. (Ugh, sorry, random tangent, back to the focus!)

I wish I could just let him go, but I can't. I invested too much and I care about him. He's in that sacred circle. I just wish I wasn't hidden. I should have gone about things differently. But, it is what it is. I am not sure what it is, but I do know that I don't like it. But nonetheless, I will take it because it is all I have of him and I am willing to take whatever lousy piece I am offered, which makes me feel gross because I am better than that.

I think he regrets me. I am his best kept secret and his biggest mistake. I wish I could be honest with him about the whole thing. It would just freak him out, he would tell me I am an over thinker. Which, yes, I do think a lot, all girls do. I break down, I analyze, I try to figure it out. I think where I differ from others is that I speak out about it. I am neurotic and I let my words flow freely, sometimes it bites me in the ass, but more often I find that people are welcoming to my thoughts and ideas because they are thinking them or have thought them, too.

I think I am just upset that I am not getting my way. I am so use to people jumping at the chance to hang out with me, the fact that someone can have such flagrant disregard of me, kind of has me taken aback. "I'll call you if I want to talk." Of course you don't ever want to talk, you are a boy. Guys are simple. So simple. I just want to pick his brain and get to know him better. Is that so wrong? I am curious about him, is that so bad?

This is just crapola. It's life and you always want what you can't have... and certain cravings are harder to kick than other. NARF-POOEY.

Passive-Aggressive Blog.

I am stealing this idea from a friend. This is a bunch of anonymous things to various people that I don't have the courage to say to their face. Figure out who "YOU" are (and I am not admitting anything).

You: I want the world for you. I see you dreaming of it all the time. You need to go out there and make it happen. You want so much and you deserve so much... I want more for you. I wish you had the confidence I have in you. I believe in you 100% and I know that you are capable of so much more than you realize. I love you for everything you are and everything you are not. You are my mini-me. No Doubt summed it up the best "so different/ yet so the same." I am lost without you. You are my every, everything and in the words of *NSync "there is no me/ without you." You are my true blue. Soon this will be imprinted on me, "I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)."

You: You are my soul mate. I love you. I wish we didn't live on opposite sides of town and we got to see each other more often. You are my favorite dance partner and you are an expert cuddler. I am thankful that we are friends. I never have to bitch about you. I just wish you weren't afraid of food.

You: I am so glad that we are friends. I look up to you in so many ways. You taught me that first impressions aren't always true and that it's okay to be a strong woman. In may ways, I admire you. You really aren't a "feelings" kind of person, but I am rooting for you. You deserve the world. I wish I had better answers for you. Thank you for listening to my craziness and not necessarily understanding it, but just being there. I really hope to be more like you in a lot of ways. I am so proud of you.

You: You are just as sensitive as I am. I am glad this last year we have gotten so much closer. I know that you mean well. You are one of the only people I support in "wanting" to have a baby and I am really excited to be there for you when the time comes! I am looking to you for moral guiding, I haven't admitted this to you, but I think you know how lost I am. You know how mushy and insecure I am inside. I am glad that you are able to see through my obnoxious exterior and peek into the real me. You are an amazing, beautiful woman. I am so proud to call you "friend."

You: Stop fucking up your life. Red flags are everywhere! You have pushed away all the people in your life who give a shit about you. Don't worry, we aren't going anywhere we will welcome you back with open arms... Someday, I hope you will learn to love yourself and realize what you are worth. You are better than that. I know you are a good person, but you are not the sharpest tool in the shed. You will get to where you need to be some day. I have full confidence in you.

You: I love how different and weird and nerdy you are. I mean that in the most sincere way. I am so glad that we are getting to know each other better. I want us to have a girl date, just the two of us. I want to pick your head a little more. You are an inspiration to me. You are happy, in love, intelligent, and a generous person. You have an inner and outer beauty to you; I think you radiate.

You: God, I wish I could get you off my mind. I think about you all the time, you are my secret obsession. I think deep down you care about me (or at least I fool myself in to thinking you do), but we don't talk about our feelings. I don't regret a single thing we did; I regret not being able to say what I want to say to you. For some reason, I need your approval. You taught me so much about myself and who I am; I am grateful for that. You are so wonderful and I meant it when I said that you just "do it" for me, you do. I really like talking to you. You are so different from anything I have ever had before, I like your flavor. You will always be my "what if" scenario; she's so lucky and I am completely jealous.

You: I think I hate you. You were a good friend when I needed one, but our relationship fell through the cracks because I let it. You use my weakness and my moments of vulnerability against me. I've seen you do it to others. You need a lesson in "nice." You can't have real friends until you learn to be one. I will always have a special place for you and am grateful for the facade you carried on for so long. You are a bitch and not in a good way.

You: I wish you gave a shit about me. I feel incredibly used by you. I have done everything I can for you because I love you and trust you. I just wish you didn't put me on the back burner. You make me feel second best. I hope you find someone good for you and who will treat you well. You deserve it, but I think deep down, you don't think you are good enough for it. You are! You so are. I know things will fall into place for you. I also think you are about to make a huge mistake.

You: Damn, I love you, but you are such a fair weather friend. I wish you weren't all talk. I wish you would use your skills to do something better for yourself. I hate that you settle. You are selling out. Stop letting people string you along. I want more for you and I know you want more for yourself, but staying with something "comfortable" is selling yourself short. I know we will always be friends. Forever and always.

You: Stop being such an idiot. Your heart is pure gold. Get your priorities straight and you will be fine. You don't need others to gratify you. You are worth it, you just need to believe it yourself. Life is a struggle and those others that have wronged you, they will get theirs in the end and we will eat cake and snicker in spiteful joy! I love that we have nothing in common, it's the appeal. You are great and I do love you.

You: I am sorry. I don't know how to say it to you. Sometimes, I suck, a lot. I really meant it when I said I wish we were better friends. I blew it.

You: You have given me everything. You mean the world to me. You are the one person I can depend on through everything. I wish you had better communication skills and didn't mind the phone so much, but you are all the good that lies in me. Thank you for you heart, I share mine with you. You are my role model. I am so thankful that you finally are at a place where you are truly happy and I hope you don't blow it. I love you with every piece of me.

You: I wish you liked me. I know you love me, but I hold so much resentment in my heart for you. You only seem to give a shit when I am in a deep crisis and then you throw me to the wolves again. We have a love-hate relationship, I have accepted that. I just wish it were different, but we are far too stubborn and far too much alike to ever live in balance. Thank you for all that you have done. I know you thought it was best at the time. I love you and am embracing the fact that I am becoming more and more like you.

You: I am not sorry. Not at all. I would do it again in a heartbeat, no hesitations. I wish you weren't so negative and so pretentious. You are so fascinating to me, you are part of my obsession, too. I doubt you will ever read this, but my god, you are a bitch. If only you knew...

You: I love you. I wish we were as close as we used to be. I loved being able to confide in you. I know we have coffee dates here and there (half of which we cancel or forget or space it), but you have proven to be such a powerful confidant. I am glad that we are branded with the same symbol. I am going to try and be a better friend to you.

You: I hate you. I cannot believe we were ever close. The secrets I have learned about you have disgusted me. I wish we weren't related. It makes me happy to know that you are suffering. Your acts have cause incredible pain to those you are supposed to love the most. You are sick. You are scum. I can't wait until the world is free of you.

You: You are my comfort, my joy. I am so glad that I stole you. You keep all of my secrets. You are full of such unconditional love. I know that you are a cat and you cannot read, but you deserve to be on this list, too. You are always right by my side as I am pouring my heart out on the computer or in my journal. My life would not be the same without you. Thank you for not pooping in my shoes. Mama loves you.

You: I miss our long emails and messages to each other. There is something so innocent and good about you. I am afraid if I showed you the real me, you'd run away. I know this is kind of corny, but you are an angel.

You: Girl, we have been through everything together. I love that we keep it real. Hurry up and get your ass back to Vegas. We have scandalous shit to get into. Thanks for being my friend, I just wish you would answer the phone when I call.

You: I love you. You have the kindest heart. I love that you pray for me. I aim to have what you have someday, well, minus the kids. I am a cat lady. Thank you for being a friend and for not being selfish. Your kindness and generosity have touched my heart.

You: You have disappointed me more than anyone else in the world. My best and worst moments are with you. You have hurt me more than anyone and I know I have hurt you. Saying I have no affect on you is pure bullshit. I see past the facade. Stop giving a shit about people who are higher up than you. Love the people who care about you. You are chasing after the wrong people. You are so empty and cold inside. I wish you had still had that fire in you like you did when we first met many moons ago. I loved you with all of me. I am glad that you are out of my life. I don't doubt myself as much anymore. I want you to be happy and someday, I want you to apologize to me like I apologized to you. That takes a real man though. Too bad you will always be a boy need others approval. Find what makes you happy.

You: I miss our friendship. I miss being drunk and getting into all sorts of trouble without getting caught. You still have one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. I wish we could get back to what we once head... maybe tequila shots will get us there, once again.

You: I miss being so close to you. I miss living with you. I am so happy that you are in a good place and with a great guy. You are my favorite ninja of all the ninjas. I miss the laughter and the tears and the crappy dance moves. I am so proud of what you have done with yourself and I can't wait to see you grow even more. I really want us to be best friends again. I loved you, insanity and all and I know you loved me, ridiculousness and all.

I'm blue.

Today, was a day that despite my best efforts, I could not crawl out of bed... so I didn't. I claimed a case of "bad food" and being up and down all night as to why I didn't make it in...

I slept all day long. I finally crawled out of bed at 2:30ish and it felt good to sleep my life away for once, instead of being on the go. Here it is 4:33 and I haven't made any attempt to make myself look like a presentable human being. I need to shower. I need to eat something. I need fresh air. I need to feed my cats. I am even listening to the most pathetic music ever. I will just come out with it, I am sad.

It seems that things have been sitting on the stove in a pot of water, slowly, but surely they are starting to boil and I feel they are at the point where they may boil over. School is almost done. My resume is being sent a million places. What to do with a certain someone needs to be faced. The economy is not getting any better, yet. I have no idea what to do next.

School ending makes me overjoyed and nervous all at once. What am I going to do with all this new allotted free time? We all know that when I have a little too much time to myself I get into trouble.

I think I am more scared than anything because almost all my life I have done these things that I feel will put the pieces together and allow me to reach a certain outcome. Go to school, get this degree, get this career,find the perfect mate, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. It seems like it would be that simple, but the human brain is never calculated into these situations. The mind is a funny, complicated thing. Right now my brain is making me a Debbie Downer. I hate being sad, especially because I am normally such a happy-go-lucky person. My mind is tricking me with "what if" and "maybe someday..."I am better than this. I will rise again, but right now I am allowing myself to feel this way. These feelings let me know that it was real, at least for me. I am human and life isn't always a perfect, little cupcake no matter how much I want it to be.

But the sun will continue to shine, Vegas will get hotter, and school will finish and I will wind up exactly where I need to be.

I cussed at an old lady.

Story time, y'all.

Saturday night was my little sister's birthday. I had to get to the Cheesecake Factory, stat. We were meeting at 6:15 PM, which is the approximate time I awoke from my 4 hour afternoon nap! (My bad!) Thankfully, there was a wait of 30 minutes and thankfully my make up only needed minor touch ups. I threw on my pants, touched up my make up on the drive from Cuba (where I live) to Boca Park.

Mind you, it's a Saturday night in Vegas. Not only does everyone celebrate on the weekends, it is also date night and whatnot. The place was packed. People were lined up outside... I was in a grumpy mood (as I have been for the past few weeks or so...), so as you guessed it, the parking lot is packed. If this was any casino, I would have happily valeted, but we are in a recession folks my deflated $5 was staying in my pocket.

I don't know whether to call it fortunate or unfortunate, but when I was 18, I received "Rock Star Parking" for life. Yes, that's right kids, Jessica has an irrevocable handicapped placard. Yes, from the outside, I look whole and complete and perfectly healthy. And I am for the most part, but I am missing two organs and have restricted breathing due to lung obstruction. (If you want specifics, I can fill you in, but for now I will spare you the details). Fortunate that I have one - a handicapped placard, but unfortunately, I had to be sliced and diced and almost die (several times over) to have it. (I never spend more than 30 minutes at the DMV either, it's lovely, so if you ever have to go and I give a shit about you, holler at your girl, I will hook you up!)

Anyway, back to the story, I got lucky and one of the limited handi-CRAPPED spots was still open and I most happily parked in the last remaining spot. (When you are assigned a placard, the DMV gives you a letter you must carry to prove that you are the rightful user of said placard or you will get a ticket and have your placards taken away temporarily.) So, I get out of my car and there is this older lady (early 60s or so, I am guessing), parked right behind my car. I was on the phone with my friend, so I just kind of glared out her (you know I can be a non-verbal bitch, too).

She rolls down her window (is it rolled? I mean we all push a button nowadays) and asked me in a stern voice, "Are you allowed to park there?"

I replied, "Yes."

She then has the audacity to say to me, "Prove it."

Are you fucking kidding me, lady?! So, you top on my shitty attitude, to me running late, to my phone call now being interpreted, and you get my response. I shot her my most cunt-terrific face and said in a nice tort tone, "Fuck you!" (I am SO Vegas) I was livid. How fuckin' dare you! Mind you, I get asked this all the time... ALL THE TIME. Like, people assume I am using grandma's placard to be lazy.

She responded, "Fuck you, bitch." I didn't feel so bad saying it first now, but really? How the hell else am I supposed to feel or take that? If I was in a wheelchair or had a cane or was missing a limb, this altercation would have never taken place. I have gotten so peeved in this situation before that I have lifted my shirt to show my surgical scars, which instantly shuts people up.

I know I overreacted in this situation, I completely did. But being "Vegas famous" as a friend told me, immediately upon entering the Cheesecake Factory, I ran into a current co-worker and told her about the ordeal that just went down outside. She said I wasn't wrong for how I acted, which was comforting.

Now looking back at it in retrospect, it makes me giggle. I cannot believe I said that to someone's grandma... (I think all old women are GRANDMAS). I do feel bad and slightly guilty about it, but it is still a funny, funny story. I was completely unladylike and kind of a trashy ghetto biotch, but in a fabulous way (that only I could pull off).

Moral of the story: I ain't scared of shit, not even yo' grandma.

I'm going to Church.

For awhile it feels like something has been missing in my life...

I am not too sure what "it" is, so I am going to evaluate my options and get back to me. To find that missing link in my life. Starting right now. I am going to Church tomorrow and I am thrilled. I was raised Catholic and can do that whole song and dance, but it never felt right. I am not sure religion of any denomination will feel right. I think I need a way to reconnect with God, but not necessarily the Bible's version of him. I miss that spiritual connection I had.

I miss praying. Even though my prayers were never really sort of request, more like me thanking God for a new day and asking him what's up. I used to talk to God every day on the way to class at UNLV. I never knew if He/She was listening, it all seems a little far-fetched, but man, it made me feel good.

It felt good because all those thoughts, those insecurities, it felt good to give them up, to let them be known out in the open, to be heard, to admit them out loud... even if they were to no one.

So, Jesus may or may not be the answer, but I am going to find every possible avenue for righteousness for myself. I going to start getting back to me. Living my life, I know no one will do it for me. I am looking forward to peace of mind, body, and soul.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I am approaching it with an open mind an open heart.

Cuddly Wuddly.

Legally, I am married.
Technically, I am single.

Today is one of those days in which I hate being single. I am in a ridiculously cuddly mood and as of right now (as the wee hours start to creep up on me), my cat is just not cutting it. I need a warm buddy to play with my hair, rub my back, and let me kiss the tip of their nose.

I am all alone in my house and it just feels so empty and a little too quiet for my liking.

I don't know what urked me about my single-dom. It could be that being out with my dad and his girlfriend, we were a party of three. I am the odd man out. Or at one point, while my dad and his girlfriend were strolling along at Town Square they joined hands. I know it's tacky and mushy, but I miss those cute little gestures. I am a huge mush-mush. Man, I am making myself all gooey inside. I know this will pass in a day or so, but shit, as of right now, I miss having a "boyfriend." I miss guys. I miss throwing myself into relationships and getting swept off my feet, of getting to know someone, figuring out what makes that person tick. I miss lame text messages that say stupid things, I miss getting orgasms from someone, I miss getting butterflies when someone calls, I miss couple-dom. I miss considering someone else's thoughts and opinions and planning for special, pivotal dating milestones. I miss being a part of something.

Okay, yes... I will be over this in a few days. I will be put back in perspective once I really think about the not-so-great things about being in a pair. The lies. The bull shit. I have just avoided any sort of real relationship and any sense of real commitment for quite sometime. I am brought back to reality when I think of the girl who's boyfriend has been sleeping with her friend for almost a year and she is clueless. Or about the girl who think she is happily married, but her husband has been cheating on her sporadically for months, or the girl who gets hit, but isn't brave enough to get out, or the girl who has to deal with the emotional immaturity and the yo-yo act... Just writing makes me feel better. I don't have to be consumed with doubt or guilt. I didn't settle. But man, I want someone to cuddle me in bed in the worst way. I wanna fall back in love and get consumed so much that I can hardly sleep at night... maybe I am ready... finally.

Who knows? I just know that for the most part I can call my husband, tell him, "I got some," and he would high-five me when I get home, then we'd snuggle and fall asleep while watching The Simpsons. So, until I find my next potential "Prince Charming," I will happily let Deanzo curl up on my side and purr most satisfactory.

I can't get no, satisfaction!

I never know what I want (besides having fun, I am a girl after all and that song speaks to my heart)!

I am indecisive and it takes me forever to pick something out, to make a decision. I start getting anxious when I am out to eat, per se, and I have an immediate decision to make. I don't like being put on the spot and nine times out of ten, I regret my decision.

I think this stems from my inability to settle (on anything or anyone). I am always looking for something newer, shinier, more fun... improved! I am essentially the epitome of the Rolling Stones' song, "Satisfaction." I am never satisfied. I always want more and it ultimately leads me to be disappointed, over and over again. I build things up to be a certain way in my mind and when the don't pan out exactly how I want them to, I get bummed (really bummed). We all do this to some extent, but I over do it. I have a wild mind and it takes one idea, then it tosses it around in a million different directions. I'm a very much a neurotic.

The older I get, the more I realize that I am no closer to knowing what I want. There are too many options, too many directions and it scares me that life forces me to choose. Choose a mate. Choose a career. Choose a place to live. Choose who to bank with. Choose a car. Choose what to buy. Choose what to wear. Choose a political party. Aghh, sometimes I wish things were just decided for me because I am a roll with the punches kind of girl. It may also be that when someone else does the choosing for me, when things don't turn out "acceptable" for me, I can point the finger of blame at someone else. (God, I hate whiny, victimy women - I am not better no worse. I guess it's a self-reflected annoyance.)

I think I have Peter Pan Syndrome. I never want to grow up and I hate being responsible, even though I am. It's humbling and disgusting. I am conforming. Here I am on the brink of having my MBA and all I am doing is second guessing whether I made the right choice with that degree choice.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Sad Dance Songs

Randomness:

What the heck is up with taking songs such as Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart," Rascal Flatts' "What Hurts The Most," Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" and other notable sad, breakup songs and remixing them? I find it unsettling to be shakin' all that my momma gave with a big, cheesy smile on my face, while divas pour their flippin' hearts out. I want to turn the radio on to Delilah and cry my little heart out to these tunes, but instead I find myself doing the white girl shuffle, but feel vulnerable enough to burst into tears at any moment.

Blog: It's Big, It's Heavy, It's My Words.

Everyone knows that I love to write and that there are random thoughts bombarding me all the time. I decide to chronicle all of my nonsense here so people can leisurely read my thoughts, ideas, and lame-aucity on their own accord. This isn’t my first real posting per se, but more of a quick note to get you acquainted with my blog.

I hope y’all will like it.

XOXOX,

Jessica

These Words Are My Own, From My Heart Flow

I have many loves in this world: my cat, my friends, Britney Spears, martinis, disco balls, cheesecake, your husband, tacky jewelry, and the list goes on and on (kind like the beat)! I just quoted Cher, more emphasis on me being a GAY MAN!

Anyway, before I get lost and start a tangent that will get me further from my point, I will get started on the matter at hand. I love to write, to put my words to paper (or more modernly let me fingers dance and grace a keyboard). Writing has always been a sort of release for me. Take the thoughts speeding through my mind at a mile a minute, jot them down, reread them, and make some sort of sense out of my psyche’s ramblings. It’s an outlet to express myself and release emotions when I didn’t feel I could trust another soul with my own disgusting, dark thoughts. My own words will never judge. I take thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I keep bottled up inside and let them out and they flow. It becomes an organic process. Some of my best writings are from the times I have tears streaming down my cheeks (from both heartbreak and laughter).

I like to lurk around and read people’s blogs. People I don’t know and see their words, thoughts, opinions. People are weird, strange things. We all possess inappropriate, irrational, hysterical thoughts; most of the time we keep these thoughts and ideas hidden.

I have always been a girl that has little to no reservations. I will state something and people will say. “Jessica, I cannot believe you just said that.” I always reply with something such as, “well, you were all thinking it” and some sort of chuckling ensues.

Okay, now I am going to pull all this nonsense together. I think as a personal goal for myself, I am going to write out some of my craziest and most bizarre life experiences and lump them together in a Dave Sedaris sort of fashion. For those of you who don’t know who Dave Sedaris is, he’s writer/ story teller. He writes about his life (you know the random-mundane things), he takes his experiences and tidies them into a story that will leave you laughing out loud. I want to chronicle my life in same fashion. A whole, Jessica Mullen: The Good, The Bad, and The Absolutely Ridiculous. I don’t think I would ever submit it to a publishing company or I might. Depends on my day and how inflated my ego is; I detest rejection…blah.

I want to put it down. Share my life with others, give people a good laugh, a little cry, and warm them up. I don’t know about any of you, but there is a certain comfort I get when I stumble upon or people tell me about their weirdness. It makes people more human, I tend to build people up as Gods in my mind.

Maybe I mostly like writing because with my laptop, I can do it in bed and Baby Deanzo is always curled up on some part of me. I want to write. I would love to do it professionally, but I don’t even know where to begin or where to even start to look or if I would even want to. Perhaps, I can freelance. I’ve got arsenals of nonsense to pollute the mind with.

I think after my MBA is complete (get here already May), the Vegas sun will inevitably start to blaze; my pasty ass will be poolside (loaded with the SPF 50+) laptop in tow, my fingers doing a keyboard tango of sorts, and I will be laughing, crying, and cocktailing while I pour my heart and soul out for the world to potentially read.