All my life, as far back as I can remember, I have always felt out of place. Like I don't belong where I am. As I get older, I still feel like the odd man out. I participate in life, I have friends that I love, and I there are things that make me happy, but I still feel awkward, like I don't belong.
I am not tied down to anyone or anything. All I want to do is run far, far away. I want out of my skin, I want out of my body. I want to start over. I want a new life. I want to be so much more than I am. More than I have ever dreamed of becoming.
I hate going out in town and running into people I know. I just want to be. I want to blend in with the masses instead of being a sideshow freak. I always feel like I am a musical monkey here for everyone else's entertainment.
Maybe I haven't defined myself well enough for me. Maybe defining myself is impossible. Maybe, I will always be restless and not content. I know that whatever this is that I am in now, isn't working. I'm far too idle and I am losing my mind.
All I want to do is cry, smash things, and scream. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going. It's scary. Who am I? How does this all exist? How do I change this? Where do I go from here? Where is my happy? When will I find what I am looking for? When will I fit? Where do I belong?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Put your money where your mouth is.
After months and months, fuck it, (who am I kidding) YEARS of hearing and people urging me to, I've FINALLY decided to focus on writing. It's really the only thing that makes me happy. It's something I enjoy, it's challenging, there's a constant change in what I am developing (even this little ditty isn't like the piece before or after it). I don't have a publisher or an editor or a title or any of those other random questions I may be asked. Things will fall into place when the time is right.
Although I am not the greatest writer, I don't think I am awful either. I hope to improve with each and every story I share. AS with anything I pursue, my strongest hope is for this journey to morph me into an even better Jessica. I am constantly evolving. We all are. It's part of the human process.
In closing, I am throwing a shout out to Chelsea Handler. Chelsea, you need to shift it! There's a new mistress of words gunning for your job. And who might that be, prey tell? Oh, that would be me. And I always get what I want.
Now, that I've walked the walk, it's time for me to talk the talk. Time to write!
<3
Although I am not the greatest writer, I don't think I am awful either. I hope to improve with each and every story I share. AS with anything I pursue, my strongest hope is for this journey to morph me into an even better Jessica. I am constantly evolving. We all are. It's part of the human process.
In closing, I am throwing a shout out to Chelsea Handler. Chelsea, you need to shift it! There's a new mistress of words gunning for your job. And who might that be, prey tell? Oh, that would be me. And I always get what I want.
Now, that I've walked the walk, it's time for me to talk the talk. Time to write!
<3
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Lost
No, not the television series; it's how I feel.
I just think at my age, education level, and with my social skills my life would be different. I'd be different. I'd have something to show for it. I don't want to sound entitled, I know you have to work hard and fight for what you want (and believe me I do), but it just seems I've been a ridiculous rut for the past 10 months. A lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same. It's the humdrum of everyday life.
I still don't know what to do or where to go or what I want to be when I grow up. The only thing I can see myself doing is this romanticized version of being a writer. I always have something to say or an opinion about EVERYTHING, so essentially I have a lot of areas in which I can draw from; possibilities, endless. I really could write and write and write forever. I just don't know if anyone besides my friends or family would have any interest in reading anything I wrote. I really want Chelsea Handler's job. Seriously, I'd write books, host a TV show, get up on stage and tell people from my sassy, comical, ridiculous, random point of view.
Sometimes I wish I was brave, could pack up all my necessary belongings (and beings, cannot forget the kitties) and move far, far, far away... And start over, redefine myself, redefine my life, all with a clean state. I know this is just another silly fantasy I have.
I just know that my life is destined to be more than what it is right now. It has to be. I can feel it deep within me. Metaphorically, I feel like an overfilled pot of water. It's all bubbling, things are getting hot, and before too long the water starts to bubble over... that's where I am at. I am at the point where I am on the verge of something... BIG.
And whatever this BIG is, I am not sure what it is, or if it is already staring me in the face, or that if it comes to me, I won't know what to do with it. I guess more than anything, I will quote U2, "And I still haven't found, what I'm looking for..." I don't even know what it is that I am looking for and that in and of it's self is the problem. If you don't know what you are looking for, how can you find it?
Maybe here, as the optimist that I am, I can stumble upon some dumb luck and find some much needed purpose to my life...
I just think at my age, education level, and with my social skills my life would be different. I'd be different. I'd have something to show for it. I don't want to sound entitled, I know you have to work hard and fight for what you want (and believe me I do), but it just seems I've been a ridiculous rut for the past 10 months. A lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same. It's the humdrum of everyday life.
I still don't know what to do or where to go or what I want to be when I grow up. The only thing I can see myself doing is this romanticized version of being a writer. I always have something to say or an opinion about EVERYTHING, so essentially I have a lot of areas in which I can draw from; possibilities, endless. I really could write and write and write forever. I just don't know if anyone besides my friends or family would have any interest in reading anything I wrote. I really want Chelsea Handler's job. Seriously, I'd write books, host a TV show, get up on stage and tell people from my sassy, comical, ridiculous, random point of view.
Sometimes I wish I was brave, could pack up all my necessary belongings (and beings, cannot forget the kitties) and move far, far, far away... And start over, redefine myself, redefine my life, all with a clean state. I know this is just another silly fantasy I have.
I just know that my life is destined to be more than what it is right now. It has to be. I can feel it deep within me. Metaphorically, I feel like an overfilled pot of water. It's all bubbling, things are getting hot, and before too long the water starts to bubble over... that's where I am at. I am at the point where I am on the verge of something... BIG.
And whatever this BIG is, I am not sure what it is, or if it is already staring me in the face, or that if it comes to me, I won't know what to do with it. I guess more than anything, I will quote U2, "And I still haven't found, what I'm looking for..." I don't even know what it is that I am looking for and that in and of it's self is the problem. If you don't know what you are looking for, how can you find it?
Maybe here, as the optimist that I am, I can stumble upon some dumb luck and find some much needed purpose to my life...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Ask me a question, I'll tell you no lies.
Ever been arrested? - No, no, no. I am way too classy for that.
Most hated chore on the household chore list? - Laundry, it needs to do itself. Seriously laundry, if you're listening DO YOURSELF!
Tell me about your first road trip in your first car - Driving from Reno to Vegas during the Nevada Day holiday. I got a speeding ticket. I did however make it to Vegas in 4.5 hours. Fuck that boring ass drive.
In life who has had the most influence on you? - Hmmm, my friends. They have taught me about sisterhood, love, respect, forgiveness, and myself.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? - My Master's degree and my strong friendships.
What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered for after your death? - Making people smile and laugh. Even after I am gone they can smile and laugh at the memories. They'll say, "Oh, that crazy ass bitch."
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? - Welcome to Heaven, and yes there is an endless supply of Cotton Candy here.
Do you have any phobias? - FLYING. Xanax, please!
If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? - I'd be the bearded lady. My trick would be stroking my sexy beard, which we all know Ke$ha likes! :)
If you could be one kind of beer which one would you be and why? - Framboise, that shit is delicious, purplish-red, fruity, and bubbly. Kinda like me.
If you were a kitchen appliance – what would you be and please make the sound of that appliance? - I'd be the microwave. I am a fan of instant gratification. And I'd beep.
Tell me about a family member you are really proud of. - My sister. The bitch is made of steel. She is a true champion and is going places. She's resilient as all hell too.
Do you have any relatives in jail? - Probably, my whole Mother's side of the family is beyond fucked up.
If you had to, what relative would you lock up in the shed and why? - My grandpa, he's a sick fucking bastard and needs to be kept away from society. Trust me on this.
What did you enjoy about school? - The social aspect of it all. I love, love, love people, gossip, and cute boys. Oh, and I loved being a band geek and theatre kid!
Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid. - Thinking anything and everything was possible.
Who was your enemy or the bully when you were young? - I was the bully; once upon a time, I was a major biotch!
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? - An actress, a model, and a talk show host. Fuckin' Tyra beat me to it. Perhaps I can be here protégé.
When and with whom was your first kiss? - My first real kiss was when I was 15 (Summer of '97), at camp with a boy named Lance, and it was gnarly. Yes, I said GNARLY!
What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it? - From half my organs crapping out, to having my heart smashed, and mistakes I've made, it's hard to pick just one. I will say, that having a positive outlook, amazing friend support, and faith will pull you out of the dark.
What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? - There are far too many to label one as the most mortifying. I have two poop stories and I was in my 20s when they happened. Oy vey!
Was there ever a time when you were frightened for your life? - See above.(Refresher: half my organs decided they needed to be evacuated from my body.)
Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had? - Family cruises, always a nice, relaxing, exotic time.
Which is the most funniest prank played on you or played by you? - I think when I steal all the Republican political signs from my neighbors lawns and replace them with Democratic candidates. It serves my own liberal agenda.
What is the craziest thing you have ever done? Oh, you'll have to wait for my tell-all book.
List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: - My indecisiveness. Sometimes I muddle around making decisions about the most insignificant things.
Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? - Whore Posse, hands down.
If you could choose, how would you want to die? - Fighting to death! Or rescuing people from a sinking ocean liner.
If you could change the world what would you do? - Create world peace, I know it's clichéd, but it's the truth. There would be no more war. I'm a damn hippie deep down.
Name 1 thing you love about being an adult - Ice Cream for breakfast and Cupcakes for dinner.
Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love?- True Love. Love is the answer. Love is all you need. Love, love, love, I want your love.
What do you value most in life? - Love. Seriously, it makes everything worthwhile.
If you were one of two people left on this earth, and the other was of the same sex; would you go gay? - No, but I'd hope to find companionship with that person and I'd be open to cuddling.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason? - I think there is a design to the nature of life, but I believe we all have a choice. Life happens and we cannot control it and we must not dwell in it. We can learn from it and move on otherwise we are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over and over again.
What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? - Wow, I don't think it's happened yet. There have been a lot of highs and a lot of lows, but nothing too significant, so I will go with being born. Without being born, I'd just be an unlucky sperm and an unfertilized egg.
What would be your dream job? - Chelsea Handler's gig. Except I'd be funnier and brunette.
Have you ever lived or worked out of the country? - Technically, on vacation I have. :)
If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? -None ya damn business. More sex would probably be one, but that's just me throwing you a bone. Take what you can get. The other two would be blow and a sybian. KIDDING!
If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? -Dharma or Dakota, I've always been fond of them.
Name three exotic countries you would like to visit - France, Amsterdam, and Egypt.
When you die - what part of your personality do you want to be remembered for? - My humor.
If you could add a single option to your car, what would you add? - Motha truckin' sunroof. I miss having one.
If you could start your own restaurant, what would it be? - Chick-Fil-A. We need one in Vegas, stat. Or a drive-thru daiquiri shop like we have in Lousy-ana. Maybe a combo of the two.
What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? - To find true love with someone and die happy and successful.
If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. -Oh, shit. Knowing me. I'd cry my heart out, pet my cat, and eat lots of cake... all whilst feeling sorry for myself.
If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go? - Hmmm, Gerard Butler, we wouldn't get very far because I would ravish him. Road head? Hello, I went there. Have you seen him? He's hot, has an accent, and he's funny. I'll take a double order of that, please and thank you.
What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager? - Plaid, flannel, baggy jeans, midriffs, starter jackets, AOL, Spice Girls, NSYNC, Boy Meets World, TRL, Dawnson's Creek, and pagers.
Most hated chore on the household chore list? - Laundry, it needs to do itself. Seriously laundry, if you're listening DO YOURSELF!
Tell me about your first road trip in your first car - Driving from Reno to Vegas during the Nevada Day holiday. I got a speeding ticket. I did however make it to Vegas in 4.5 hours. Fuck that boring ass drive.
In life who has had the most influence on you? - Hmmm, my friends. They have taught me about sisterhood, love, respect, forgiveness, and myself.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? - My Master's degree and my strong friendships.
What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered for after your death? - Making people smile and laugh. Even after I am gone they can smile and laugh at the memories. They'll say, "Oh, that crazy ass bitch."
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? - Welcome to Heaven, and yes there is an endless supply of Cotton Candy here.
Do you have any phobias? - FLYING. Xanax, please!
If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? - I'd be the bearded lady. My trick would be stroking my sexy beard, which we all know Ke$ha likes! :)
If you could be one kind of beer which one would you be and why? - Framboise, that shit is delicious, purplish-red, fruity, and bubbly. Kinda like me.
If you were a kitchen appliance – what would you be and please make the sound of that appliance? - I'd be the microwave. I am a fan of instant gratification. And I'd beep.
Tell me about a family member you are really proud of. - My sister. The bitch is made of steel. She is a true champion and is going places. She's resilient as all hell too.
Do you have any relatives in jail? - Probably, my whole Mother's side of the family is beyond fucked up.
If you had to, what relative would you lock up in the shed and why? - My grandpa, he's a sick fucking bastard and needs to be kept away from society. Trust me on this.
What did you enjoy about school? - The social aspect of it all. I love, love, love people, gossip, and cute boys. Oh, and I loved being a band geek and theatre kid!
Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid. - Thinking anything and everything was possible.
Who was your enemy or the bully when you were young? - I was the bully; once upon a time, I was a major biotch!
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? - An actress, a model, and a talk show host. Fuckin' Tyra beat me to it. Perhaps I can be here protégé.
When and with whom was your first kiss? - My first real kiss was when I was 15 (Summer of '97), at camp with a boy named Lance, and it was gnarly. Yes, I said GNARLY!
What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it? - From half my organs crapping out, to having my heart smashed, and mistakes I've made, it's hard to pick just one. I will say, that having a positive outlook, amazing friend support, and faith will pull you out of the dark.
What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? - There are far too many to label one as the most mortifying. I have two poop stories and I was in my 20s when they happened. Oy vey!
Was there ever a time when you were frightened for your life? - See above.(Refresher: half my organs decided they needed to be evacuated from my body.)
Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had? - Family cruises, always a nice, relaxing, exotic time.
Which is the most funniest prank played on you or played by you? - I think when I steal all the Republican political signs from my neighbors lawns and replace them with Democratic candidates. It serves my own liberal agenda.
What is the craziest thing you have ever done? Oh, you'll have to wait for my tell-all book.
List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: - My indecisiveness. Sometimes I muddle around making decisions about the most insignificant things.
Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? - Whore Posse, hands down.
If you could choose, how would you want to die? - Fighting to death! Or rescuing people from a sinking ocean liner.
If you could change the world what would you do? - Create world peace, I know it's clichéd, but it's the truth. There would be no more war. I'm a damn hippie deep down.
Name 1 thing you love about being an adult - Ice Cream for breakfast and Cupcakes for dinner.
Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love?- True Love. Love is the answer. Love is all you need. Love, love, love, I want your love.
What do you value most in life? - Love. Seriously, it makes everything worthwhile.
If you were one of two people left on this earth, and the other was of the same sex; would you go gay? - No, but I'd hope to find companionship with that person and I'd be open to cuddling.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason? - I think there is a design to the nature of life, but I believe we all have a choice. Life happens and we cannot control it and we must not dwell in it. We can learn from it and move on otherwise we are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over and over again.
What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? - Wow, I don't think it's happened yet. There have been a lot of highs and a lot of lows, but nothing too significant, so I will go with being born. Without being born, I'd just be an unlucky sperm and an unfertilized egg.
What would be your dream job? - Chelsea Handler's gig. Except I'd be funnier and brunette.
Have you ever lived or worked out of the country? - Technically, on vacation I have. :)
If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? -None ya damn business. More sex would probably be one, but that's just me throwing you a bone. Take what you can get. The other two would be blow and a sybian. KIDDING!
If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? -Dharma or Dakota, I've always been fond of them.
Name three exotic countries you would like to visit - France, Amsterdam, and Egypt.
When you die - what part of your personality do you want to be remembered for? - My humor.
If you could add a single option to your car, what would you add? - Motha truckin' sunroof. I miss having one.
If you could start your own restaurant, what would it be? - Chick-Fil-A. We need one in Vegas, stat. Or a drive-thru daiquiri shop like we have in Lousy-ana. Maybe a combo of the two.
What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? - To find true love with someone and die happy and successful.
If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. -Oh, shit. Knowing me. I'd cry my heart out, pet my cat, and eat lots of cake... all whilst feeling sorry for myself.
If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go? - Hmmm, Gerard Butler, we wouldn't get very far because I would ravish him. Road head? Hello, I went there. Have you seen him? He's hot, has an accent, and he's funny. I'll take a double order of that, please and thank you.
What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager? - Plaid, flannel, baggy jeans, midriffs, starter jackets, AOL, Spice Girls, NSYNC, Boy Meets World, TRL, Dawnson's Creek, and pagers.
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