Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I can't fight this feeling anymore...

This is a real "quickie" update. I can't fight myself anymore. I am not destined or designed to be a boring, drab, mopey person. I am going to play on the swings, not sit out on the sidelines anymore. Yes, my life might be a fantastic shit-storm and I have a million and a half things to figure out and that I am working on, but I am refocusing my energy on becoming the best Jessica I can be.

The Best Jessica Guidelines:
1. Pray daily.
2. Eat well.
3. Hit the gym at least 3x a week.
4. Spend quality time with family and friends.
5. Read at least 30 minutes a day.
6. Write at least 2x a week.

Before I know it, I will be back on my A-game (which we all know is fierce and fabulous). I will be positive, successful, and remain playful (this is my affirmative prayer). My heart is in the right place, now I need to simply align my mind with my heart's intentions. (It's all about the balance, thank you yet again, Eat Pray Love for your many life lessons).

I promise you all: No more Ms. Grumpy Gills, it's time to reclaim my throne (and tiara) as Princess of Cupcakeland. I look my best in a dress and splashed with glitter.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Letter to Five Year Old Jessica

Me, Easter Egg Dying, 1986

This week on Facebook it's "Retro/Throwback Week." (Who comes up with nonsense and how does it spread so quickly? Anyway, that's beside the point.) What has got me thinking, is looking at all these photos of friends and friends of friends, that if only we knew at the age of 4 or 5, what we would have gone through to get us where we are today, at this exact moment.

What would I tell 4/5 year old Jessica? Of the many triumphs and pleasures and pains she will have in life. To go back to that age again. To be innocent. To get a full do-over...

Little Jessica didn't care about bills, cars, educations, boys, where her next meal was coming from. She didn't care about being fat or thin, being stylish, whether her hair was done or if her "face" was on. She never didn't have anything to wear. She didn't own an iPod, a computer, or flat-screen TV.

How do we get so lost in such irrelevant, trivial, frivolous things? I am guilty of it, too. I want, I want, I want, I want! I sound like that trite, insatiable brat, Veruca Salt. I think this year I am going to stop focuing on what I don't have and what I do desire, and focus more and give thanks to what I do have. So, without further ado, a letter to my magical child...

Dear Five Year Old Jessica,

First and foremost, I love you. You are not perfect. You are going to make a lot of mistakes. Lots of them and some of them you will make over and over and over again. You will have acne and braces in adolescence, but this is temporary, when you are in your mid-twenties you will get compliments on your perfect smile and your flawless skin.

You will move around a lot. You will be devastated when this happens, but it makes you a much more adaptable, socially-skilled person. Thanks to the advent of the internet (God Bless you, Al Gore - who you subsequently will vote for in 2000 and he will lose) you will reconnect with long, lost classmates and friends. You will be eternally grateful for this.

Your love of dresses never goes away. You get weird and want to be rebellious in your teen years and suppress your urge to wear dresses, but your love for them and all things sparkly will come back full force and with a vengeance.

You'll hate cats until you adopt one from a shelter. He will heal your heart a million times over. You'll actually adopt too many (3 to be exact) and be deemed a "crazy cat lady." Oh, and you'll never with the battle with fur, ever.

You will spend way too much time in hospitals. You will have several surgeries. You will lose a few organs. Your medical debt and issues will cause you to stay up late into the night with worry. Tears will stream down and you'll feel like you cannot breath, but it's temporary. You'll think the darkest and grimmest thoughts. You will be fixed and whole again.

You'll be smart. You'll go to college. You'll earn a Bachelors degree and a Masters degree. This will make you very proud and give you bragging rights. You love pop music, you like to dance, even though you are not coordinated and look like you are having a seizure, and you love to sing, even though you'll have a limited vocal range (you will love the Japanese activity "karaoke").

You will have God/Church issues. You don't like being Catholic and you will venture into Agnosticism. Thankfully, through an angel (Cherice), you will find Unity Church and it will change your life in ways you cannot explain. It will make you feel whole and complete. You will be moved with emotion. You will be a better person for being a part of this community. You will regain your faith in yourself, love, life, humanity, and God. Your feeling of being defective will melt away. You will be transformed and will never be the same again.

You will make people laugh. You are kind of a pervert (ask grandpa, he will tell you what that word means) and you have a potty mouth. You have opinions and you are loud, but people will love you for that because that is who you are. You are their loud, funny, crazy, smart, pretty, ridiculous friend.

Never, ever forget that you are loved. You go through times when life is painful, heartbreaking, and sad. This is when you withdraw from the world, ignore your cell phone (you'll learn about those in an episode of Saved By The Bell), and shut out the people you need most. This is when you have to reach out your hand. This is when you need not withdraw. You need to put your trust/commitment issues aside. You have so many friends scattered all over the place. You are so incredibly loved and liked that you will be considered "Vegas-famous." You are so liked that at times you will feel as though you are spreading yourself thin.

You are meant for big, extraordinary things. Never forget that. Ever. Keep writing. You are great at it. People love to read your words. You express yourself wonderfully. And you will grow up to be the Princess of Cupcakeland.

God Bless You Always,
Older (but perhaps not wiser) Jessica

PS: Lay off the Play-Doh. Yes, it's salty and you like it, but it will give you rotten stomach aches. Also, be nicer to your sister.

Monday, January 4, 2010

2K10 is here!

It's a brand spanking new year. I can still smell the cellophane! This year is full of hope, opportunity, prosperity, and positivity! I can feel it in my bones. Good things are happening.

God bless you all in this new year! I know it will. Smiles and glitter and cupcakes!