Lately, well, let's put perimeters on this "lately" word. Throughout the month of July, I have been in my head. Swimming around in my own thoughts, being (for me) somewhat of a recluse.
Having studied the mind in my undergrad and having my own fair share of life tragedies, the mind is a very... how do I put it... interesting, scary, amazing, dark, and paradoxical place.
There are places in my mind that are all "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows," but there are places in my mind that are so dark that I don't think I could ever discuss them with another human being or even have the courage to write these thoughts down. Yet, at the same time, I feel that I am crazy for having these thoughts or ideas, but I justify my irrationality by categorizing it as "Things no one ever talks about or repeats to another human being." So, I tell Deanzo (my cat and one true love) and move on until these thoughts reemerge. Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.
Is there a reason that we don't say certain things? I mean, nothing really shocks me anymore. Nine times out of ten, I cannot believe the crap that comes out of my own mouth... but yet, I hesitate to fully share myself and I mean divulge every bit of information in my head. I get so frustrated that I cry and weep and feel like a failure. I feel fake and insecure and paranoid. I feel ugly, from the inside-out.
I like to think at the end of the day I am a normal, typical human being just like everyone else. But the truth is that I am NOT like everyone else. In fact, no one is exactly the same. It's Darwin's "natural variation." It makes sense. No two people are the same, not even identical twins. We all experience, see, feel, enjoy, and dislike things... differently.
I am just confused more than anything because I have so much to say, but am so afraid to say it. I feel weird. I am a weirdo. It's just me and who I am, but then again, my lovely justification is that everyone feels this way, too. I am talking myself in circles and I feel like a nut job and I am still dancing around the issues of not saying or repeating things that I want to say or write.
Why? Because I don't want to be judged or rejected. I am afraid. I have FEAR. It's fear that makes me press on and it is fear that also keeps me humble. It's an intoxicating feeling. I feel as if this was a pointless rant, but what? ever. I write what I want. Does this make sense? Errr... insecurity is creeping in... again.
I need to get out of my head and back into the real world. Plain and simple.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
...that's Master Jessica to you now.
I cannot believe the month of July has almost come and gone and I have yet to write anything, well, a fair amount of anything. I am sure you are ALL dying to know what the 4-1-1 is and I will no longer keep you waiting...
1) (Get over it, I love lists.) I am finally done with my MBA cue the Pomp and Circumstance music!Therefore when referring to me, it's no longer just Jessica (WHORESSICA, ICA, MULLEN, etc.), it's MASTER Jessica. Show me some damn respect. Really, people. Actually, to be quite honest, not having scholastic endeavors to pursue has left me kind of, well, lost. I've been in school since I was knee high to a grasshopper (excuse my Southern expression-isms) and it's odd that when something is so much a part of you that you feel kind of naked when it is cut out of your life. It could be THAT or maybe it is that I am scared of taking the BIG step into career-hood. I have my commitment issues and they apply to almost everything, but school? Who am I without some fancy, schmancy degree to get under my belt? Anyway, bottom line, it's MASTER JESSICA or I will beat you.
2)My grandma passed away on July 5, 2009. My grandma and I had a rocky relationship (as I have with almost all of my family, it's hard being the BLACK SHEEP in the family). Either way, while I was in high school and in Colorado, my grandma cooked for me, did my laundry and we had some fun memorable times. She was an amazing cook and played a mean game of pinochle. She chain-smoked, had a great pair of legs, and full head of curly, wild hair (which she passed on to my Dad and Sister). I will remember her when I was little. My sister and I would go stay with her and she'd make the most delicious foods and she had a garden in her backyard. During Christmas time she had "A Christmas Story" playing nonstop on TV, except for when the Macy's parade was on... she loved to be on the water. In October, I plan on joining my family in Florida to spread her ashes along the Atlantic, where we spread (my Step-Grandfather) Dick's ashes. Rest in Peace, Grandma. I love you. I am relieved to know you are out of pain and in our Father's loving arms. <3
3)I have decided that once August rolls around, I am going to take my "list" (which has been saved in my phone for sometime) and start writing out my stories for my book. I've been told time-in and time-out that I should do stand up. I can't speak in public (and I have to take Xanax if I have to) and so, I will get to show off my literary skills instead. Hopefully, this will launch me on a book tour and I'll get to see the world for FREE and get paid to do it. Time to start looking for CROSS COUNTRY BOOTY CALLS. Kidding, slightly... I am not sure, but this seems the right thing to do. I love people and all the weirdness that we encompass, the right thing for me to do would be for me to make people happy and my sense of humor and ridiculousness might just be what humanity needs. I am going to save the world with laughter. I wonder how raunchy I will be once I am translated into French? I am getting a head of myself, again. Wait until you read this ridiculousness. It's stories about my life and thoughts/rants that I get/go on...it's going to GRR-EAT, like frosted flakes, except my flavor won't get soggy or go stale.
4) I have been self reflective lately. I have been praying a lot. Spending a lot of time with my sister. Reading. Keeping to myself. I have been low key. It's a combination of things. I am relieved school is over, but lost about it. I am being a crutch for my sister and taking advantage of spending every opportunity I can with her. I am slightly heart-broken against better judgment and I just feel the need to refocus my energy. Figure out my next move. 2009 is a year in which I am going after what I want, I am exploring selfishness, and trying to better myself. For those of you I have been flaky with, I am sorry, I am just about me right now. It's a good thing... there is only so much of my own ridiculousness that I can handle.
5) EAT PRAY LOVE. I read this book once all the way through and am re-reading it after finishing it. Any woman in her late 20s should read this book. It is beyond amazing. There is such a wealth of understanding and enlightenment in this book that I couldn't absorb it all the first go around, I go in line and went for seconds, savoring it and reading it more carefully. This book is so well written that you don't just read it, you experience it. I feel as if this woman, Elizabeth Gilbert, knows me. She's kind of a neurotic, worry-wart, which makes her 100% relate-able to me. She is truly skilled with the pen, gifted, I add, too.
6) I also want to start volunteering in August as well. Now that school has wrapped up, I think donating my time to non-profits such as: Big Brothers, Big Sisters or the Boys and Girls Club. Something with youth. I know most people get nervous when they think about me being around impressionable youth, but the truth of the matter is, I love OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS, I just don't have any desire or need to have children of my own. For some reason kids love me, I think it is my love of all things Disney, especially Hannah Montana (TEAM MILEY)! I really feel I could have a positive impact on a kid and that they would benefit me greatly as well.
This is the gist of it. I want to wrap this up and not bore you all to tears. I have a lot of good things going on and am truly grateful to be alive. I have amazing friends and family. I am blessed and I am loved. Later bitches, I got some RE-COCK-YOU-LESS-NESS to get to. Or, you know, research for my new book.
PEACE, LOVE, and TOMATO BASIL SOUP, y'all,
MASTER Jessica.
1) (Get over it, I love lists.) I am finally done with my MBA cue the Pomp and Circumstance music!Therefore when referring to me, it's no longer just Jessica (WHORESSICA, ICA, MULLEN, etc.), it's MASTER Jessica. Show me some damn respect. Really, people. Actually, to be quite honest, not having scholastic endeavors to pursue has left me kind of, well, lost. I've been in school since I was knee high to a grasshopper (excuse my Southern expression-isms) and it's odd that when something is so much a part of you that you feel kind of naked when it is cut out of your life. It could be THAT or maybe it is that I am scared of taking the BIG step into career-hood. I have my commitment issues and they apply to almost everything, but school? Who am I without some fancy, schmancy degree to get under my belt? Anyway, bottom line, it's MASTER JESSICA or I will beat you.
2)My grandma passed away on July 5, 2009. My grandma and I had a rocky relationship (as I have with almost all of my family, it's hard being the BLACK SHEEP in the family). Either way, while I was in high school and in Colorado, my grandma cooked for me, did my laundry and we had some fun memorable times. She was an amazing cook and played a mean game of pinochle. She chain-smoked, had a great pair of legs, and full head of curly, wild hair (which she passed on to my Dad and Sister). I will remember her when I was little. My sister and I would go stay with her and she'd make the most delicious foods and she had a garden in her backyard. During Christmas time she had "A Christmas Story" playing nonstop on TV, except for when the Macy's parade was on... she loved to be on the water. In October, I plan on joining my family in Florida to spread her ashes along the Atlantic, where we spread (my Step-Grandfather) Dick's ashes. Rest in Peace, Grandma. I love you. I am relieved to know you are out of pain and in our Father's loving arms. <3
3)I have decided that once August rolls around, I am going to take my "list" (which has been saved in my phone for sometime) and start writing out my stories for my book. I've been told time-in and time-out that I should do stand up. I can't speak in public (and I have to take Xanax if I have to) and so, I will get to show off my literary skills instead. Hopefully, this will launch me on a book tour and I'll get to see the world for FREE and get paid to do it. Time to start looking for CROSS COUNTRY BOOTY CALLS. Kidding, slightly... I am not sure, but this seems the right thing to do. I love people and all the weirdness that we encompass, the right thing for me to do would be for me to make people happy and my sense of humor and ridiculousness might just be what humanity needs. I am going to save the world with laughter. I wonder how raunchy I will be once I am translated into French? I am getting a head of myself, again. Wait until you read this ridiculousness. It's stories about my life and thoughts/rants that I get/go on...it's going to GRR-EAT, like frosted flakes, except my flavor won't get soggy or go stale.
4) I have been self reflective lately. I have been praying a lot. Spending a lot of time with my sister. Reading. Keeping to myself. I have been low key. It's a combination of things. I am relieved school is over, but lost about it. I am being a crutch for my sister and taking advantage of spending every opportunity I can with her. I am slightly heart-broken against better judgment and I just feel the need to refocus my energy. Figure out my next move. 2009 is a year in which I am going after what I want, I am exploring selfishness, and trying to better myself. For those of you I have been flaky with, I am sorry, I am just about me right now. It's a good thing... there is only so much of my own ridiculousness that I can handle.
5) EAT PRAY LOVE. I read this book once all the way through and am re-reading it after finishing it. Any woman in her late 20s should read this book. It is beyond amazing. There is such a wealth of understanding and enlightenment in this book that I couldn't absorb it all the first go around, I go in line and went for seconds, savoring it and reading it more carefully. This book is so well written that you don't just read it, you experience it. I feel as if this woman, Elizabeth Gilbert, knows me. She's kind of a neurotic, worry-wart, which makes her 100% relate-able to me. She is truly skilled with the pen, gifted, I add, too.
6) I also want to start volunteering in August as well. Now that school has wrapped up, I think donating my time to non-profits such as: Big Brothers, Big Sisters or the Boys and Girls Club. Something with youth. I know most people get nervous when they think about me being around impressionable youth, but the truth of the matter is, I love OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS, I just don't have any desire or need to have children of my own. For some reason kids love me, I think it is my love of all things Disney, especially Hannah Montana (TEAM MILEY)! I really feel I could have a positive impact on a kid and that they would benefit me greatly as well.
This is the gist of it. I want to wrap this up and not bore you all to tears. I have a lot of good things going on and am truly grateful to be alive. I have amazing friends and family. I am blessed and I am loved. Later bitches, I got some RE-COCK-YOU-LESS-NESS to get to. Or, you know, research for my new book.
PEACE, LOVE, and TOMATO BASIL SOUP, y'all,
MASTER Jessica.
Monday, July 20, 2009
How Dare You.
Okay, I haven't blogged in about 30 years now and I promise you all sometime this week, I will give you an update on everything and anything and probably a little TMI (which is only in true Jessica fashion, of course).
However, the best time to blog, I have found is when I am pissed off and the words flow organically from me and at the same time alleviate the frustration that is building up inside of me.
This weekend I was in LA, enjoying the California sunshine with my sister when I get a phone call from a friend telling me that someone I don't know is talking smack on me and her husband (wow, audacity mother fucker) has told her that I am STALKING him. What the hell? I am doing such a great job STALKING while I am in LA. Are you kidding me?
Well, this is the deal. Loose lips sink ships. I have stayed quiet about this whole thing. I haven't droned on and on and I have kept your identity anonymous. Now, you are insulting my character. The only contact I've had with you in the last few months is when you were at work, harassing my friend about me. Have I called? No. Have I emailed you? No. Have I texted other that the aforementioned nonsense? No.
How dare you do what you did (and yes, I am just as guilty as you are in this whole situation), but I never made commitments to someone. I never did anything HORRIBLE to you and this is what you pull? You insult my character? I wonder what BS you fed her to make her believe I STALK you. Like I have nothing better to do with my time than follow you around and track your every move? I know a lot of people in this town, so keep my name out of your mouth. Things get back to me. You said yourself, I am "Vegas-famous," whatever that means.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yes, I gave a shit about you and on some level, I still do, but when I hear people I don't know are saying shit about me and even greater, people I don't know are sticking up for me, it's a whole new ball game. The truth will come out eventually and it's shitty that your "circle" is seeing your true colors for what they are. I've gotten wind of the crap that's going on in your life. It must be unsettling to have your father-in-law living under your roof now, your mortgage is months behind, and your truck not having any A/C (especially in this oppressive heat). I am sorry that things are going to shit for you. Maybe this is the final icing on the cake and it was never my intention to hurt you, but this is ri-god-damn-diculous. I don't care anymore about you and your life. You made your bed now "lie" in it (pun intended).
Oh, and whatever girl is messing with you. Props to her. Props to her for calling you out on your shit, you asshole. You deserve this nonsense, it's YOUR karma. Keep my name out of your mouth. Don't show up at my house (wait, you don't know where I live 'cause it only happened once) and you can't call me because my number is changed. You can go fuck yourself.
Love,
Jessica
PS: Oh, and wife, if you don't believe me or this... check his call logs. I would be the 702 number starting with 418. Feel free to contact me if you have questions and I would start my search around his birthday... that's when all this BS started anyway.
PSS: You are lucky I didn't mention any names... yet.
However, the best time to blog, I have found is when I am pissed off and the words flow organically from me and at the same time alleviate the frustration that is building up inside of me.
This weekend I was in LA, enjoying the California sunshine with my sister when I get a phone call from a friend telling me that someone I don't know is talking smack on me and her husband (wow, audacity mother fucker) has told her that I am STALKING him. What the hell? I am doing such a great job STALKING while I am in LA. Are you kidding me?
Well, this is the deal. Loose lips sink ships. I have stayed quiet about this whole thing. I haven't droned on and on and I have kept your identity anonymous. Now, you are insulting my character. The only contact I've had with you in the last few months is when you were at work, harassing my friend about me. Have I called? No. Have I emailed you? No. Have I texted other that the aforementioned nonsense? No.
How dare you do what you did (and yes, I am just as guilty as you are in this whole situation), but I never made commitments to someone. I never did anything HORRIBLE to you and this is what you pull? You insult my character? I wonder what BS you fed her to make her believe I STALK you. Like I have nothing better to do with my time than follow you around and track your every move? I know a lot of people in this town, so keep my name out of your mouth. Things get back to me. You said yourself, I am "Vegas-famous," whatever that means.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yes, I gave a shit about you and on some level, I still do, but when I hear people I don't know are saying shit about me and even greater, people I don't know are sticking up for me, it's a whole new ball game. The truth will come out eventually and it's shitty that your "circle" is seeing your true colors for what they are. I've gotten wind of the crap that's going on in your life. It must be unsettling to have your father-in-law living under your roof now, your mortgage is months behind, and your truck not having any A/C (especially in this oppressive heat). I am sorry that things are going to shit for you. Maybe this is the final icing on the cake and it was never my intention to hurt you, but this is ri-god-damn-diculous. I don't care anymore about you and your life. You made your bed now "lie" in it (pun intended).
Oh, and whatever girl is messing with you. Props to her. Props to her for calling you out on your shit, you asshole. You deserve this nonsense, it's YOUR karma. Keep my name out of your mouth. Don't show up at my house (wait, you don't know where I live 'cause it only happened once) and you can't call me because my number is changed. You can go fuck yourself.
Love,
Jessica
PS: Oh, and wife, if you don't believe me or this... check his call logs. I would be the 702 number starting with 418. Feel free to contact me if you have questions and I would start my search around his birthday... that's when all this BS started anyway.
PSS: You are lucky I didn't mention any names... yet.
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