Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Quit honking at me

What is up with guys tryin' to holler at women while they are driving?

Seriously, when I am in my car I am on a mission from point A to point B.

There are three typical douches that engage in tryin' to score a lady while at the the wheel:

1. The fuckwad in a mustang, usually sportin' a polo with a popped collar.

2. The fag in the raised truck with a booming system. Every girl know the higher you truck is raised the smaller your penis is.

3. The nasty minority, the one who blows you kisses. Dream on, ese. I don't want your enchilada.

I just want to commute in peace. So, for the love of Pete and all things holy, TLC put it best, "No, I don't want your number, No, I don't want to give you mine."

Good grief. I really need to contain my sexiness when I am in a car. You think a grown ass woman rocking out to Miley would be an instant turn off.

That's all.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Rambling: What I Do Best

So much has happened in the past 120 days of my life.

It felt as if for a while I was doing everything right, which I was. I was trucking along, but life got stagnant. It got too routine. It became very much something I didn't want nor desire. I became a victim to the 9 to 5 (yes, Dolly Parton version).

I was really lost and confused for awhile, too. I didn't know where to go next, what exactly to do and my personal life started to spill over to my outside life. People who didn't know me at all or even all too well sensed something was up. Wahoo, it was my quarter-life crisis come full effect.

I was neurotic and on edge. Always on edge. I was angry when I didn't need to be. I was sad, depressed even. No one or no thing could make me happy, believe me I tried various avenues of happiness, not even crack-cocaine worked (joking)!

So, I left my life. I walked out on it. I moved back in with my Mom, which made me believe that it would be better/ easier. I was sadly mistaken. Granted I haven't lived with my mom since I was 16, it took some adjusting. It had been 10 years since we last tried cohabitation. I am not home that often, I keep myself busy with two jobs, full time graduate school and friends. It lasted 3 months and never again will I venture that route.

However, I found myself slowly slipping into the role of an adolescent. It was disgusting. I was even treated like one, I'd get a text at 8:30 PM on a Monday, "where are you?" This was bizarre, I'm 26 not 16, this doesn't make sense. There weren't the lovely sentiment texts, "I can't wait til you're home I miss you." However, I didn't miss them either, it made me feel too attached, too needed, too dependent.

Well, I really have no idea where this is going, but I know that a lot of people have said to me lately, man, Jessica 2-3 months ago, we were very worried about you. You weren't being very Jessica, you were moody and quite unpleasant.

I didn't realize I was being such a cranky biotch, it was news to me. But over the time period of the last three months, something changed.

I believe that when I am in these "dependent relationships" it drives me mad. I feel held down and we all know I am a little wild, I have some oats that still need to be sowed. I just don't ever see myself being settled. I am a gypsy, a modern day hippie, I suppose.

Where I messed up is that I left a dependent relationship and hoped right in to a new one... unbeknown to me.

So, fast forward to present day. I am not in a dependent relationship with anyone (besides my roommates, but that is monetary and it doesn't stress me out). It does strike me odd that I do have roommates because I swore a while back I would never shack up again.

I am at my jobs, one of which I enjoy entirely too much and trust me, it's not worth the minute compensation I am receiving. I do it because I love it, damn you Starbucks. My other job working at the HOA, I despised for awhile, I just felt that I could be doing something that I was passionate about and the was really important and that made the world a better place and most of all, that mattered. But I've grown to like it and this job has challenged me mentally, I think I have stepped up and won. I enjoy my work, its not my cup of tea, but I don't think of it in utter disdain. It has allowed me to live the lifestyle I have. Has afforded me a new car (ding dong the beast is gone!), provides me insurance, and makes me feel good about myself.

School, what can I say here, I was struggling for awhile. I got a C in my Finance class which eats at my being, I believe the last C I received was in High School and I got that in Geometry, the whore beast of mathematics. However, like the rest of my life I have got it on track. I am now producing my ridiculously high Bs and As.

Now to my friends, the core group of people I was surround with last year at this time are not the same as the people I am surrounded by now. People have become distant and even non-existent in my life. It's so bizarre that at one point in our lives someone or someones can be so important, you think about the constantly, you call them daily, you tell them everything, then randomly, and slowly the slip away, they fade. They are a simple email that says, "hey, I hope all is well." The detach is just weird. I know I get so flustered I feel like I will exploded or I avoid someone like their the plague and that's just how it ends, it just feels so cheap and cheated. Anyway, I am off subject heer, as if there ever was one to begin with. I feel that now, the people I surround myself with are the most amazing people in the world. Yes, there are large groups of friends, like the whore posse, that have been friends since pre-school (that makes me slightly jealous) that are still together and that I feel so privelged to be a part of, but I constantly go through people, constantly, my core friend base is constantly changing, it's not that I am on bad terms with any of them, it just we let each other slip away. I don't return phones, they don't return phone calls. Laziness takes over or is just another justification... its just odd to me. But, I have the same friends, my friend base just keeps getting larger (I can't help it people love me). It makes me happy to know I have all these people that enjoy my company and my madness, but it makes me spread myself too thin. I get tired, I get flaky. I also don't give up on people, I hate when people don't like me. It upsets me. Even if I have wronged you or spoken poorly about you, I still want you to love me at the end of the day.

So, this really had no point, but I know that three months ago I wasn't a happy Jessica. I am getting back to what's good and it's starting to show. I know I ramble, I could talk to a tree for hours on end and have the most fascinating conversation ever, but I don't, then y'all would realize just how mad I actually am.

I shall end this now. I hope you are all healthy, happy, and okay with whatever situation you are faced with. Things always get worse before they get better, but they will get better. Just keep swimming.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Here comes the cheese that has made me famous, I am about to "write" about pop music and a deeper thought/meaning that occurred to me while listening to said pop music.

The other day I was in textual conversation (text messaging) with Ms. Maggie Flynn. She wrote, "Buy Christina Aguilera's new CD or DIE." This is typical whore posse language; we call each other whores, say 'do this or die,' or we talk about what big whores we are, blah, blah, blah. We're whores, deal and dig it.

Last night, I bought Ms. Augilera's album and I was surprised to find that it was more like a Greatest Hits Collection.Hey, it's an easy way to make a quick buck in an economy that's sluggish and it's working, people are buying it. After completing my purchase, I added her to my CD lineup (she is in between Miley Cyrus and Garbage in CD rotation), in case you are wondering.

Instantly, I am taken back to the Summer of 1999. It was the Summer before my senior year of high school, the days when I was modest and knew everything. "Genie in a Bottle" was blaring through my system and I couldn't contain myself, I sang aloud and I danced (and almost wrecked my car three-four times). It was completely cheesy and lovely and random and perfect.

Then her hit, "Beautiful," played. I hadn't heard it in quite sometime... and it struck a cord in me. When I was younger I loved the video, I loved the imagery, and the complexity of the actors in it. I thought that was what the song was about, difference.Her voice is haunting and so powerful, yep, I'll admit it I cried a little. I am going to blame that on the placebo pills in BC pack.

Still to this day, it is about our differences, embracing the diversity that is our mosaic world. However, it is so much more than that, at least more than my 18 year old omniscient mind could grasp. It's about the beauty in everything and everyone. Yes, we all have our issues, weaknesses, poor judgments, secrets that we would never reveal to another living soul. We all wear our masks and hide our dirty deeds. At the end of the day, each and every one of us does this. We are all creatures of deceit and faux pas and that's beautiful.

The moments of laughter we share, beautiful. The moments that cause our insides to split open, beautiful. The moments we connect with another life form, beautiful. The moments we do something we shouldn't have, beautiful. The moments we are at our worst, beautiful. The moments when we are at our absolute best, beautiful.

These paradoxical ironies that I mentioned are all beautiful. Each and every one of those moments compels such deep thought and such deep emotion. Those are the moments we are truly alive. When goose bumps appear on our skin, to the blood is pumping through our veins, when we get that feeling in the pit of our stomachs. Beauty.

I finally get what "the weird" kid in America Beauty was saying about the plastic bag in the wind. It was as if that bag had come alive with the wind and took on a life and dance of it's own. The wind being not something you can see, but something you most definitely can feel. Feelings no matter how good and how incredibly horrible they are are beautiful. Feelings remind us that we are alive.

So, to Ms. Flynn, thank you for threatening death upon me, that particular day I didn't feel like dying so I contributed to the economy and purchased. Thanks to you Mrs. Aguilera for reminding my that I am a "genie in a bottle" and that I, along with everyone else, am "Beautiful."

To each and every one of you reading this, you are beautiful no matter how dark your insides and no matter how unpleasing your outsides may be, kidding, well kind of, no I am. Let the cheese-fest terminate.

"No matter what we do 
No matter what we say  
We're the song inside the tune 
Full of beautiful mistakes 
And everywhere we go  
The sun will always shine 
But tomorrow we might awake 
On the other side."