Sunday, August 3, 2008

Missing Pieces

Current mood: pensive
Category: Life

Think of yourself as a puzzle. Just a normal jigsaw puzzle with about say 1000 little pieces. This is how I view myself. A jigsaw, when all the pieces are arranged in the proper order, viola, you have Jessica.

Lately, I have been feeling angry, which is not VERY Jessica. In the slighest. Yes, I am emotional and cry and my favorite word is "fuck," but it is never said in a rage.

I have been thinkin', "why am I so damn angry," it doesn't make sense. So, in true egotistical fashion, I look to see where I can point my nicely manicured finger, but we all know that when you point at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself.

Yep, I am livid with myself. Not for just being stupid or saying something lame (this happens on the daily for me), you don't sweat the small stuff. I was mad at myself for giving out pieces of my puzzle to people who are undeserving of it.

When someone touches our heart, it can be for a month or two, for years, there is no duration, what's real to us is real to us, our perception is ours and ours alone. When our life has been impacted by an event or person or certain kitten, we give someone, it, one of our jigsaw pieces. In an exchange we recieve one of thier pieces to put back what we just gave, so there is not a void. Give and take, a transference of energy, a certain synergy of sorts.

Well, I have been giving my pieces out to the wrong sort of people. People who are selfish, who took my kindness and used it to their advantage, instead of dealing with people and situations and tackling the issue head on, I avoided it. I hate confrontation, I dislike drama, chaos. Blah.

I was so concerned with other people's happiness, I put it before my own. I let other people get away with treating me like dirt, when I would suffer. I became one of the grossest things in the world, an enabler.

I just wanted people to like me, to accept me. I let them lie to me, use me and hurt me. All at my own expense. Yes, you can say, "people are shitty, Jess, the world is jaded and fucked up;" that's old news my friends. I choose to believe in the good in people. Which leads me believe that I could change people and the world, with my kindness, my humor, my pretty face, my last five bucks...

People change when they want to change. We all know that. We can take the drugs and the syringe away from the addict, but it isn't going to stop them. We all have our sources, our excuses, our reasons, our justifications, hey, it helps us sleep at night, right.

I am going to get back to holding my tongue, not letting people in so quickly, be a little more reserved. I owe it to myself. People take my life, my history, my triumphs, my failures, my successes and tweak them, to say hateful things, to be mean, to be low, to be shady against me, to throw it back in my face, use it while I am vulerable. When I have chosen to open up and share with them, give them one of my many pieces. To be left with a missing piece. A hole. A void.

I don't want to be angry or bitter and I don't want to waste my time crying. Being upset. Life is too short. I am a good person. I try to make people happy. I try to create kidness, smiles, beauty, love, honesty, and integrity. I need to be more selfish, more me oriented. I am the only person I have at the end of the day, you are the only person you have at the end of the day. This is my life, not the guest starring show.

I have some great people in my life. People who I love to death and they share their pieces with me, to help me form the beautiful mosaic that I am and truly can be. You are the beautiful ones, "the lovers, the dreamers, and me." (Yes, I quoted Kermit the Frog.)