I don’t know why I can’t let him go or even how to initiate that process. This has been ongoing since forever. Everyone who knows me, knows him or about him and our fuckin’ world-wind relationship. It’s always been rocky. I’ve never liked his friends and he’s never liked mine.
We got into one of those big arguments last night where I got accused of doing something that I didn’t do. Of course, I have a sassy mouth and words were exchanged that I feel no need to rehash other than to a select few. Nor do I feel like spreading my business, let alone my own personal insecurities on MySpace.
As I mentioned previously, this guy knows what buttons to push. He knows my life story. He knows my family. Yet, the entire time we have been friends I have always, always, always felt insecure about my relationship with him. No one ever makes me feel insecure (besides myself). I think he thinks of me as an embarrassment and it is all because I am LOUD and I have a POTTY MOUTH.
I have always been one of those people where there is no happy medium, you either dig me or you don’t. I am loud, outgoing, and I have try to have fun whenever, wherever. I like to have a good time (who wants to have a bad time, really?).
The whole point of this tirade is to get it out. I am sure the same goes for him. I’ve never had to justify why someone is in my life so much. And I have never made excuses for my friends like I have had to do for him. So, why do I deal with him? Why do I put up with his bullshit? The hurt, the confusion, the insecurity… why? I am a glutton for pain, but really I do it because I love him. Why I love him, I don’t know... that has been lost.
This kid, I had to fight for his friendship. The first words I have EVER,EVER, EVER, said to him were, “Is that your Saturn out there?” To which he responded, “yeah.” Then, I kindly replied, “You need to learn to fuckin’ park.” So, not the best first impression and in my defense, I was 18 years old.
However awful the portrait I am painting of him, there are a lot of amazing qualities about him. He’s a hard worker, so much so that he warrants the respect of people that have authority (and people who -in my opinion- should really give two fucks about). He’s the kind of guy that goes above and beyond. He’s smart and he’s really funny. He was the first person I ever really truly loved (and good god we all know that I am an irrational bitch at times, so he's had to deal with my bullshit for years now). He opened my eyes to a lot of things and I believe that to this day I am a much better person just by knowing him.I will always love him and there is a part of me that will always resent him, too.
I am at the point where I am saying fair well. I can’t do this anymore. This is the year I focus on me and what is good for me. And what is good for me is not him. It's not going to be easy, he even told me that me not talking to him is temporary. I deleted him out of my phone, like I have done a thousand times before and cried myself to sleep. It hurts when you want something to work (and I do, so so so bad), but it's almost impossible. He's too stubborn and I am too stubborn. It could be pride. I just feel like I am owed an apology for so many things. I have apologized for every little stupid thing I have done, over and over. We hurt each other far too much (he claims me and my "nonsense" have no effect on him, but when you get that hysterical, it's bull). I know he loves me. I know he cares about me, I know he wants what is best for me. I am just not sure his life should involve me. I make things difficult for him. I am sorry he met me while I was so young. I am not the same person I was when I was 18. I've seen him grow and change (for better and worse), but I think he will always hold 18-19-20 year old crazy Jessica against me. I know his flaws and downfalls and he knows mine. He has been the greatest friendship I have ever had. I always thought with every tear shed, every angry outburst that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. We'll be stronger, better friends... but all we are doing is driving each other mad.
All that is left to be said, is simply this: "Goodbye my friend, may life treat you more kindly, and just know I will always, always love you."