Friday, January 23, 2009

It's Over Now.

I have never loved or hated someone so much in my life. This person came into my life almost 9 years ago. It is a blessed and cursed day. Still to this day, my happiest and darkest days are with him. When the two of us get along, things are fuckin’ stellar. We are two peas in the very same pod (even though he never wants to admit how alike we truly are). But when we argue, disagree, fight… it’s the ugliest fuckin’ thing in the world. This person knows me so well, he knows what buttons to push and how to push them. He can take me for heaven to hell within seconds.

I don’t know why I can’t let him go or even how to initiate that process. This has been ongoing since forever. Everyone who knows me, knows him or about him and our fuckin’ world-wind relationship. It’s always been rocky. I’ve never liked his friends and he’s never liked mine.

We got into one of those big arguments last night where I got accused of doing something that I didn’t do. Of course, I have a sassy mouth and words were exchanged that I feel no need to rehash other than to a select few. Nor do I feel like spreading my business, let alone my own personal insecurities on MySpace.

As I mentioned previously, this guy knows what buttons to push. He knows my life story. He knows my family. Yet, the entire time we have been friends I have always, always, always felt insecure about my relationship with him. No one ever makes me feel insecure (besides myself). I think he thinks of me as an embarrassment and it is all because I am LOUD and I have a POTTY MOUTH.

I have always been one of those people where there is no happy medium, you either dig me or you don’t. I am loud, outgoing, and I have try to have fun whenever, wherever. I like to have a good time (who wants to have a bad time, really?).

The whole point of this tirade is to get it out. I am sure the same goes for him. I’ve never had to justify why someone is in my life so much. And I have never made excuses for my friends like I have had to do for him. So, why do I deal with him? Why do I put up with his bullshit? The hurt, the confusion, the insecurity… why? I am a glutton for pain, but really I do it because I love him. Why I love him, I don’t know... that has been lost.

This kid, I had to fight for his friendship. The first words I have EVER,EVER, EVER, said to him were, “Is that your Saturn out there?” To which he responded, “yeah.” Then, I kindly replied, “You need to learn to fuckin’ park.” So, not the best first impression and in my defense, I was 18 years old.

However awful the portrait I am painting of him, there are a lot of amazing qualities about him. He’s a hard worker, so much so that he warrants the respect of people that have authority (and people who -in my opinion- should really give two fucks about). He’s the kind of guy that goes above and beyond. He’s smart and he’s really funny. He was the first person I ever really truly loved (and good god we all know that I am an irrational bitch at times, so he's had to deal with my bullshit for years now). He opened my eyes to a lot of things and I believe that to this day I am a much better person just by knowing him.I will always love him and there is a part of me that will always resent him, too.

Last night's tiff was different, something occurred to me and as words were being fired left and right, I dealt with his fuckin’ wrath of fury (hell has no fury like the fury of this guy), so to piss him off, all I have to do is hang up on him and I did. It pisses him off more than anything in the world. I do it because I cannot handle the malarkey that is spewing out of his vindictive mouth and I hate how he makes me feel (especially when he is hysterical over something that I didn't do). What had clicked in me was this... I realized friends don't function like this and this has been going on for almost a decade.

I am at the point where I am saying fair well. I can’t do this anymore. This is the year I focus on me and what is good for me. And what is good for me is not him. It's not going to be easy, he even told me that me not talking to him is temporary. I deleted him out of my phone, like I have done a thousand times before and cried myself to sleep. It hurts when you want something to work (and I do, so so so bad), but it's almost impossible. He's too stubborn and I am too stubborn. It could be pride. I just feel like I am owed an apology for so many things. I have apologized for every little stupid thing I have done, over and over. We hurt each other far too much (he claims me and my "nonsense" have no effect on him, but when you get that hysterical, it's bull). I know he loves me. I know he cares about me, I know he wants what is best for me. I am just not sure his life should involve me. I make things difficult for him. I am sorry he met me while I was so young. I am not the same person I was when I was 18. I've seen him grow and change (for better and worse), but I think he will always hold 18-19-20 year old crazy Jessica against me. I know his flaws and downfalls and he knows mine. He has been the greatest friendship I have ever had. I always thought with every tear shed, every angry outburst that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. We'll be stronger, better friends... but all we are doing is driving each other mad.

All that is left to be said, is simply this: "Goodbye my friend, may life treat you more kindly, and just know I will always, always love you."

Monday, January 19, 2009

It's time for an OBAMA NATION!

Today is the last day of the Bush Administration and for the first time since I was eligible to vote (or even considered myself knowledgeable enough in the ways of the world to understand politics) that the candidate I voted for will get to take office. I am ecstatic.

I see and hear Obama on the news or read articles and I am moved to tears. We all know that I am highly emotional, but what moves me so much is that for the first time in a long time I have felt hope for a better tomorrow. All of the things that have happened in the past couple years are going to be rectified and I guarantee that our country will be moving into a new direction.

However, I am scared shitless right now that in May when I graduate with my MBA, that I will not be able to use it. Jobs that I would be qualified for are being slashed left and right. I am scared that I won’t be able to start paying back my student loans. I know that the economy is shitty right now and I expect to get worse, but within 2 years my gut knows that things will be on the upward swing. It’s the cycle of the economy. It goes up and down, just as everything in life does.

I just feel proud of my country and know that amazing things are going to happen. I can feel it in my bones, deep down in my stomach, and it’s a wonderful, wonderful feeling!

So, Mr. Bush, it’s been swell and all and I don’t feel the need to rip you a new one, that’s been done over the course of the last seven-ish years (anyone who has talked politics knows my disdain). There is no need to continute to bitch, he's almost outta there. He will be looked back on in history books as one of the crappiest presidents ever, but he is not the worse and I can assure you he won’t be the last shitty president (I also have to give him kudos for all that marinelife protection he just granted, but it's the first time I have ever recalled agreeing with his environmental policies). It urks me that Mrs. Palin is thinking of running against Obama in 2012… good luck with that. All I have left to say to our current President is, “Adios mothafucka.”

To the future and a better tomorrow, my friends - John McCain pun intended. Change is coming, wait for it. Just wait.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Workin' on my ftiness.

For some reason or another, I really have no idea where this urge has come from, I have decided to join… the GYM. What the hell, right? It’s not that I am against exercise, I mean, it’s painful and strenuous and let’s just face it, I am a bum. I’d rather sit on the couch, watch a shitty movie, and stuff my face with some potato chips.

Lately, though I have felt the need to take out excess energy. What better place to do it than the gym. A little fitness never hurt anyone. Also, because these bastards will take money out of my account directly, I will go. My honorary Jew status doesn’t like to waste money on anything, let alone these fuckers will loop me in for two years…

What people don’t know, is that I actually know how to use this equipment. I know my way around the gym. I used to spend a lot of time in the meat market until my mom shipped me off to CROSS CREEK where diets are sabotaged and you cannot tell that your ass is getting bigger (it’s cleverly disguised in navy blue sweats). God forbid you don’t eat what you’re given; you’ll end up on “FOOD WATCH.”

Aside from all that, I just get lazy. A place I don’t know my way around is the kitchen. Saute this, what the fuck does that mean? Broil?Spatula? What foreign language are you people speaking? I have no idea how to cook. I need to take a class. I think it’s weird in college that they teach all sorts of random information, but there isn’t a single “life skills” course. Someone should have taught me to budget, to cook. Shit make it a “responsibility seminar.”Require it like they require crummy orientation (really, you need me to tour the campus, as a Psych major and a Theatre minor, I doubt I will be spending a lot of time at the Law School or the Urban Affairs offices, lame). They need a dis-orientation course (how to cope with real life without a dorm room, a meal plan, and paying back those shitty loans that have been collecting interest while you were boozing and sexing).

So, it’s not because it’s a new year I want to get my ass tot he gym and get all healthy. It’s the fact that I am 27 years old and I just know that I want to continue to feel good. I know it is a downhill slope from here, things don't get better, they start getting rundown. I remember not understanding hang overs, I would drink like a fish and bounce back the next day like it was no thang; but I am not 23 any more and it takes me a good 2 days to recover.

I also need to take my activity level, which is non-existent, to new heights and do something more constructive with my free time. Less time getting lost in books, diving into homework, and avoiding exercise with my constant I am so busy state of mind… I need to feel better and if the gym and a carrot stick are the freakin’ answer then so be it.

This isn’t about weight loss either. I’ve always been a chunky monkey. I don’t even want to lose weight really, I just want to be healthy and feel more energized, be healthy. I don’t know what it is that is kicking my ass in the right direction, but I am going with it. All my friends are doing it, so I might as well join the bandwagon. Plus it is one more excuse I can give to no thang out with people. Twice as much I need a new obsession, my mind is going crazy. I also have a freakin’ iPod shuffle, it’s like destiny. I belong there…I cannot wait to scope out all of the beefcakes and jiggle in front of them in my booty shorts.

This will definitely be an adventure and welcome change to my life. Let’s get sweatin’, baby!