Saturday, September 18, 2010

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

This is my new mantra. Not only is it good for the World, it's good for me on a personal level.

negativity in all aspects of life. Actions, thoughts, words, speaking. It's useless.

friends and family. This is my core. My rocks. My solid and my everything. I fall guilty of the "out of sight out of mind: nonsense. I always feel the need to meet new people and have new adventures. I need to focus on the people I have in my life and reinforce and strengthen those relationships.

emotions and memories. Things in life are in a constant state of flux. You cannot control your thoughts, but you can control your behavior and how you will react. Remember the good times when the bad times are present.

This is my current action plan. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.
To a better today and a brighter tomorrow.

"And it's never too late to start the day over
It's never too late to pick up the phone
(pick up the phone and call me)
It's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders
It's never too late to come on home,
come on home." -Michael Franti

Sunday, September 12, 2010

September 2K10.

Two Gold Stars.
Birth Month.
Piano Bar.
Young Lover.
Random Encounters.
$2 Coronas.
Bachi Burger.
Paino Bar.
Teenage Dream.
Circle the Drain.
Pizza the Hut.

And we're not even halfway there... Let's the adventures continue!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

My "so-called" Life

I feel like the life in me has been sucked out.
I'm not happy. If anything, I am more apathetic.
I am discontent and restless.
I feel like my life needs to change.
I feel like stirring the pot and I have, but that's only left me feeling more apathetic and has alienated me even further... It's a giant cycle of FUCKED UP.

I feel too old to be going through a quarter-life crisis, but maybe that is what your 20s is all about. Major, major fucking up. There are two things I am really good at: school and fucking "good things" up.

I just don't want to be second best. I don't want to be an excuse, a justification, a reason, I just want to be wanted and needed and understood and loved and happy. I don't think that is too much to ask for.

I don't feel like I belong. I feel that people judge me without knowing the real me. I feel like people only like the funny, happy, silly Jessica. No one likes the dark, scared, weak, sad Jessica.

Sometimes I feel like I am two very different people. Most of the time, we'll say about 85% of the time I feel happy, loved, accepted, needed, wanted, and overall content with myself and life. The other 15% I feel horrible and sad and moody and ugly and gross and every other self-limiting belief one can have.

People like bright, happy, perky Jessica. No one can deal or handle or understand dark, gross, ugly Jessica. I don't even fully understand her... She's a part of me, but a part of me that scares me and freaks me out. She's the part of me that thinks those dark, disgusting, scary thoughts.

I feel like I am crazy. I wish I had a therapist. Someone to speak to about this... nonsense, craziness, chaos that is affecting me...

I just feel so alone and jaded and sad.

Here's to a better tomorrow...