Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm so offended.

I don't even know what to title this, but I am just upset.

I don't get why some people fall off the face of the Earth and they stop talking to you. They don't return phone calls... It's just "over" for them and without any reason.

It's sad. It makes me angry. Especially when you stumble upon them on a social networking site and you've figured out that they have "blocked" you.

So lame. I don't even know why I am hurt by this, but I am.
I am just sitting here crying and I feel so offended.
What did I even do.

I don't even want to know and I don't care.
Some people aren't worth it and frankly, I am tired of giving a fuck about people who obviously have gone out of their way to "block" me from their lives.

They aren't worth my tears or my heartache. It just hurts and I don't get it.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

One thing that truly IRKS me.

I am about to BITCH and MOAN. 'Cause frankly, I had my feelings hurt. Here goes it...

There is a lot to be said about me. I am can be a lot to handle. I am extremly liberal and I don't think a lot of things are too taboo to talk about. I don't think words have power, but we as people give words power. The words: fuck, shit, ass, cock, and any other of those "no-no" words freely spew through my mouth. That's just who I am. I don't let petty words with no ascertain bother me. Words don't have power. Sticks and stones. Why let something or someone who has no barring on your life affect you?

That's usually how I roll.

But when you stoop so low as to insult my character... that's another story. You have to draw the line somewhere. Yes, I can be a bitch. I feel that any strong woman has been called that word from time to time. More power to you for recognizing that I'm not a pussy and that I'm not afraid to put my pedicured foot down. I stand up for what I believe.

But to accuse me of being a thief, stating that I committed a "hate" crime, and other blasphemous, poisonous venom that you allow to spew freely from your toxic trap is just wrong. I may be a lot of colorful "risque, scandalous" nouns, but in no way am I a thief or a "hater." I am a girl that makes mistakes. That sometimes uses poor judgment, but I am not a bad person. I have done bad things in the past. I am guilty of being human, which makes me flawed and prone to make mistakes, but I am in no way, shape, or form am I lacking in character or do I have characteristics that make me a bad, hateful, downright mean person..

When you insult who I am, my core, and degrade my character you have committed a crime against me. Don't go around spreading hearsay, second hand information. Gossip is bad and it hurts people.

So, to close out this rant and let it all go, I have to say this. Be careful of what you say or post online. It will come back and haunt you. You could be hurting someone. And lastly, if you are going to insult someone on a public forum, have the decency to have a private profile or at least block the person you are talking smack on... also, be sure that you aren't dissing a mutual friend's good friend. It's just bad form, buddy.

So haters, keep on hating; because us lovers are always going to prevail. The dark will never overcome the light. And that's the gospel truth.

Hate on me, hater
Now or later
‘Coz I’m gonna do me
You’ll be mad, baby
Go ‘head and hate
-Jill Scott

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Haus of Gaga

I am totally obsessed. I love Gaga. You could say I am goo-goo for Gaga-Puffs! Her lyrics are cryptic and her costumes are from somewhere else and I cannot get enough. I love her! I love her. I. LOVE. HER. I don't know what flavor her kool-aid is, but whatever it is, I'm drinkin' it. I am proud to be a little Monster and a member of the Haus of Gaga. Below is a photo I took gettin' ready for the Monster Ball.
I will leave you with my favorite Lady Gaga quote: "It's always wrong to hate, but it's never wrong to love."

Jessica, Princess of Cupcakeland

Friday, December 18, 2009

Losing You.

What appears below I just finished writing. I went to write about a friend, who at one point in my life I loved more than myself, more than my family, more than anything in the world or universe, but we aren't exactly "friends" (or much of anything) anymore. My friendship with this person was/is a bitter-sweet, romantic-dramedy that never should have happened, but did. It was the cause of a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, a lot of joy, but mostly heartache, pain, and suffering. It will always be my one true unrequited love story.

To quote Mean Girls "Isn't it weird when your friends aren't your friends anymore?" It is weird. How one day you're tight-knit, then they fade into an obscurity, nothingness.

I've deleted your number out of my phone for the thousandth time the other day.
We've fought like cats and dogs.
It's an old game and we play it all too well.
I thought we were at a place where we could be honest with each other, but...

I was wrong.
You lie.
You do it so effortlessly.
You've always been a God to me.
Up on the highest pedestal.
I'd grovel on my knees.
You are a mimic, a mime of what you wish to be,
What you hope to be, but what you'll never be.
I once thought I knew you.
And I thought I knew you well.

You aren't a mistake, no.
You're the greatest lesson I've ever had to learn.
You fooled me, time and time again.
And I thought we were like a phoenix.
We'd burn so bright and flame so hot, that nothing was left,
Nothing but ashes of what once was so illuminating.
And we'd always rebuild. Start anew.

The other day, I ran across some pictures.
Pictures of memories.
Memories made without me.
It made me cry. I couldn't stop.

You seem to have left me in the dust.
Forgot to include me.
I had become a distant memory.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I may have been deserted,
but I found something old.
Something that I had once forgotten,
that I had left behind.
I was welcomed.
I was embraced.
Open arms.
Free of judgment.
Never left to feel alone.

I found reality.
I found love.
I found friendship.
I found home.

For losing you,
I got the greatest gift I could have ever known.
Losing you, I found everything.
Losing you,
I found me.

(I really don't know where this came from, but I wrote this! And this is magical and emotional and part of my journey, my life's story. I hope YOU find it and that YOU read it. Think of me every now and then and when you do, I hope you smile. Goodbye, my friend. May life treat you kindly and maybe someday you can meet me half way. Truly forgive me for all the wrongs that I've made and love me for me. Because this simple request, I've already done it for YOU.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm over YOU.

I never thought I'd come to this place nor did I know it existed.
YOU, I am over you.
I don't care about your day-to-day life.
I don't think about whether or not you think about me.
I'm moved on.
I don't even miss our "relationshit."
I don't miss the texts.
I don't miss waiting around for phone calls.
I don't miss how worthless and second best you made me feel.
But more than that... I forgive you because you are pathetic and kind of horrible.

Mandy Moore put it best:
I know your mistakes will hunt you down, eventually
You'll know that when you hit the ground
Your weakness did you in, and dealt me out
It's okay, I have the truth on my side

I heard you say
We were one and the same
We'll wrong again
I could never do those things, you, did, to me
I will be okay
In time you'll fade
Into nothing that you are
The nothing you are

In the end, I just kind of feel sorry for you. You're the one living in your lies and I, I am free and not haunted by infidelity. So, goodbye my lova, don't let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya! Ciao and best of luck!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dress, I must own you.

Anyone who knows me, knows I disdain Wal-Mart, I haven't boughten anything from there in eons. Call me an elitist. What? Ever. Anyone who knows me, also knows that I love Miley Cyrus. It's insane. Really, if I was 13, I'd idolize her, fuck, I am 28 and I idolize her. I love you, Miley.

What you may or may not know, something I loathe and something I adore teamed up. Yes folks, Miley and Wal-Mart have combined their powers and she has a clothing line sold exculsively at their stores.

While, I was a Wal-Mart (my Mom needed to pick up some pharmaceuticals) I went wondering to check out her line. I am a fan and her clothes were cheap (some items were $3) and I fell madly in love with the dress pictured above. It is only $20. I refrained from trying it on and purchasing it. The dress is haunting me. I've fantasized about what I would pair with it (fishnets and black converse) and have decided tomorrow (aka later today, this afternoon) I am going to try it on and if it fits, I am getting it. Dress, we have a date with destiny.

I am disgusted I have to go to Wal-Mart to get it, but I love Miley enough to brave the freakshow that is Wal-Mart for this fuckin' sweet, cheap, insanely cute, enchanting, chiffon dress.

Peace, Apple Sauce, and Love,
Jessica <3

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A case of the "FAKE" people.

"Goodbye, goodbye/ To all the fake people in my life/ I never wanted you around me/ So be on your way now/ You better think twice/ Before you let people in your life/ Because when you put down/ No one is around you/ You got a case of the fake people/ A case of the fake people" - TLC

Blogging, how I have missed you. Well, let's jump right in and get our feet wet, shall we?
Fake people. We all know them, we all interact with them, hell, we might even live with them. They are all around us. We cannot escape them.

What is really bothering me is that someone I was once friends with is running their mouth about me. I've never run my mouth about this individual. It's sad that this person is doing this. We all know that they're full of lies. Everyone knows. Pretending to be someone you aren't is very tiring. I know this, I did it, too, when I was 15/16, heck even at 21, but when you reach your late 20s and you still have to lie about who you are and brag about what you once had, it's pathetic. The past is the past. Let it go. No one cares about what car you drive now, let alone what car you drove 10 years ago. It's moot. What matters is who YOU are as a person. The person you are is ugly, sad, and pathetic.

It's sad that all your "REAL" friends live thousands of miles away. Of course they do. Those people don't have to deal with you on the daily. You can lie to them about your life here because they don't know the people here. I wish all my relationships were one-sided. It would make my life easier.

Your nasty attitude, coupled with your whining pushes everyone away. You are not capable of love. You are not capable of understanding. You are so focused on what was, that you cannot live in the now. The now is important because the now is going to deliver you to the future. Crying and whining about the past isn't going to solve anything... it's done and over. It can hurt and,God knows, it can and will leave it's scars, but you are better than this. I know you are. I know you have the capability of being as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. I've gotten glimmers of it. That is the part I will miss now that our friendship has disolved.

So please stop lying, stop loathing (or pretending to), we can all see through it and we know you are phony bologna. Cyndi Lauper put it best (and quite gayly, may I add) when she said, "I see your true colors, shining through, I see your true colors, and that's why I love you, so don't be afraid, to let them show, your true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow." It really is as simple as that.

Be real with yourself. Learn humility. Learn to not be embarrassed (the best advice I ever got in 7th grade theatre, granted it was on how to be a successful actress, but it applies, dammit!). Learn to know that people are going to like you and that some people are going to like you (and don't focus on the latter, fuck them). Learn that there is nothing wrong with you being who you are.

I am silly, loving, funny, pretty, but the compliment I hold most dear are the ones when people tell me how geniune and sincere I am. It's the truth. I don't care what people think of me. I can be a bitch, lazy, gross, vain, weird. I don't care. I am me, all of the time, and when I started being me, I found that people started to naturally gravitate towards me (once I was told it was like magnetism of sorts). When you are REAL, people know it. It shines. It makes you appear more attractive and 20 lbs. lighter (okay, I made that last part up).

Be unafraid.
Live YOUR life. No one can do it for you. Face the reality. Make changes. Don't let people stand in your way. I don't care if this blog was written about you or if it wasn't. These are all things we all have to learn. RELEASE and LET GO. DROP the ROCK. Breathe it in and breathe it out.

I know how scary it is to be yourself. When you are REAL, they are rejecting who you REALLY are, but it doesn't matter because there are 100 more who like you just the way you are.

Like it or lump it, this is me. In the words of the great and underrated Ashlee Simpson,
"Put this under your skin/
I am me and I won't change for anyone/
Me and I won't change for anyone/
For anyone like you
Why would I, Why would I change?"


And as far as us not being friends anymore, YOUR LOSS. I am a great friend, I am loved by many, and I hated by fewer. At the end of the day, I chalk it up as a win. Oh, and don't let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya. Best of luck to you in life. It's not going to get any easier and it won't get any worse, either.