Sunday, November 30, 2008

My Not "To-Do" List

Most people have lists of things "TO DO" before they die, their so-called "Bucket List." I, on the other hand, think it would be far more interesting for me to write about things on my "NOT-TO-DO List." A "NOT-TO-DO LIST" is simply experiences I would rather not experience, things I will be more than content to miss out on in my life.

1. Bear a child. This is quite simple. There is nothing (and I mean nothing )that appears more horrifying in life than a sack of cells growing inside my body. Then after countless side effects (morning sickness, expanding belly, hormonal imbalances, random food cravings, etc) I have to push this life form through my vagina and there is a possibility of ripping something, pooping in front of complete strangers, contractions, and complications resulting in emergency c-section. On top of that, you are now responsible for this child for the rest of your life. Let's face it. Most of us move out after high school, but how many times have you had to swallow your pride and move back home for a minute or ask daddy to borrow a few hundred… I have no desire to give birth or carry on my family's genes.

2. Sky dive. The thought of being on an airplane alone makes me white-knuckled. Then you want to strap some stranger to me and have me chuck myself toward the earth? I don't think so. I am not an adrenaline junkie and don't think I ever will be. I am also heavy, so I think my velocity will be that much more intense. So, I will try to stay as grounded as possible. I am speaking in terms of my physical body, we know my ego is through the roof.

3. Eat monkey brains. I don't think I even need to reiterate why. Monkey brains… just fuck that.

4. See the Middle East. I live in Vegas, it's about 117 degrees during the peak of Summer, mind you. The thought of seeing a part of world where it is equally as hot, then throw in some religious fundamentalism, and to top it all off centuries of hostile religious clashing. Why would I want anything to do with that?

5. Become vegan. I love animals, yes I do. I also love a nice steak. A diet with no meat, cheese, cheesecake, ice cream, chicken nuggets, lobster, and whatnot is no life for me. Half the people who subscribe to this way of life (which I have nothing against, fyi) look like they need to eat a pizza. They look pale-faced and emaciated.

7. Turn Republican. Time after time, I have heard from friends and acquaintances that once I have completed my graduate degree and I am making "bank," my social-liberal view points will change. Apparently my greed will take over. Shenanigans I say. I'm not conservative in anyway, shape, or form. I believe in taking care of the people and I don't care if a percentage of my income goes to provide basic social services.

8. Fall out of Love. I am convinced I will never love any man more than I love my cat, Deanzo. Twice as much, I've been down that street a few times . It turns me into a mushy sack and then someone inevitably fucks it up. My jaded views on matters of the heart can be attributed to Disney movies.I believe in love, I just don't believe in undying, unwavering, all consuming love. I believe in moderate love that comes in waves of highs and lows.

9. Be a Housewife. I don't want to have kids. So, a stay at home mom was purposely not chosen. I cannot imagine staying home all day, shopping, cooking, cleaning, being completely domestic. However, the thought that my biggest burden could possibly be reruns of "All My Children" and not having any entertainment between the twelve and one o'clock hour is quite liberating. Also, a torrid affair with the mail man is another fun-filled fantasy running through my mind.

This is all I can think of for now and I am sure I will add on to this list, but as of now, this is it. As long as the aforementioned experiences stay away from me, I am sure I will continue to be a happy, go-lucky lady.

Friday, November 28, 2008


Today is Thanksgiving, a wholesome, American holiday. In true American fashion, it is celebrated by gluttony (one of my favorite sins) and has a dirty, shady past (fucking over the Native Americans is rarely discussed).

As some of you may know, I am in the holiday spirit. I love cheesy, campy things and let me tell you, I am all ready annoying Kristi "Big Boobs" with my youtubing of *NSync Christmas tunes (as well as every other pop artists seasonal hits). We all know I am essentially a gay man; I am a walking pride parade most days. WORK. IT. OUT.

Driving over to WHORE POSSE HQ on my way to celebrate T-GIVE 2K8, I passed a Sonic and a Jack in the Box and was astonished that there were lines (LINES) in their respective drive-throughs. I thought of how sad that most be, to be alone on a holiday. Sure some of these folks are probably cat ladies (my future more than likely), but what about the other people. It then dawned on me that perhaps their loved one(s) are out of town or unable to get off work or worse yet, fighting in a war. I then realized how truly fortunate I am for all of the wonderful people and things in my life. I am a quite lucky and often times I lose sight of all the things I take for granted. With no further ado, let me present:

"What Jessica Is Grateful for 2K8."

Friends and Family.

Cable TV.

Baby Deanzo.

My two jobs.

Apples to Apples.


Indoor Plumbing.

Fierce A-line Haircut.

Great Skin.

A Killer Rack.

Food in my belly.

A Roof over My Head.


Xtube/ Youporn

Polka Dots.

Handicapped Parking.

My new car.

Moist Toilettes.

The Whore Posse.

Digital Cameras.

Makin' love to thugs, in the club with my sites on.

Segue and Sidebar.


Being unpregnant.

Scented candles.

Barack Obama.


My wit.



Old friends becoming current friends.


Fresh and Easy

The word "FUCK;" it's perfect.

Britney Spears' comeback.

Burts Bees.

Cocoa Pebbles.

Books, preferably hard copies.


The Rain and Fog.

The Brave Little Toaster.

Cheesecake and Martinis.

Kicking the Habit.

My Black Belt in Karate.

Singing "Like a Virgin" with a balloon penis.

The color black, which slims my fat ass.



My life.

This list could go on and on and on, but I kept it short and a little bit funny. Also, don't ask me where I come up with shit. I don't know. It's organic, it oozes from me, yes, oozes. You know you love my sick, twisted mind.

Monday, November 17, 2008

That's me in the corner, losing my religion.

When I was younger I believed in God. I prayed, I repented, I read my Bible, I sang the songs, I went to Church, I splashed the Holy water on my face, I accepted communion. I was a good little Christian until I entered college and enrolled in a (mandatory) philosophy course, which caused a lot of confusion and a lot of heartache for me. It made me question my life, my beliefs, my reasoning. Our final exam question was, "Using all the tools, methods, and reasoning discussed in this course prove or disprove God's existence." (WHAT THE FUCK?)

Over the weekend I got my haircut (stay with me I am really going somewhere and this will all tie in, I promise) by my friend Brittany who is amazing and if you need your hair did, let me know, and I will let her know.

Anyway, she is in her first year of college at UNLV and was asking about taking courses and what to take and so forth. Brittany is an awesome person and has strong religious beliefs, which I admire and respect. Instantly, I was brought back to my philosophy class. Little (not-so-little), bright-eyed, naive Jessica came rushing back to me. I told her to avoid that class like the plague and I meant it; that class had such a profound effect on my life that I don't even fully comprehend it.

I thought about this particular conversation all weekend long, it lasted about 5 minutes and was quite pleasant. God, who was such a huge part of my life, now has no relevance to me. I have no relationship with any higher power for that matter. I don't feel as if religion is bad, or dumb, or stupid, or for the weak minded. There is a part of me that misses giving things up to a Higher Power (Let Go and Let God). It just doesn't work for me and it doesn't fit in to my life. It pains me (19 year old Jessica who is still in me) to say that, but I try to live with a certain amount of integrity.

I don't mind church. I still go to Midnight Mass every year and weep. I remember how good God made me feel. Maybe I am moved because I am surrounded by people who BELIEVE IN SOMETHING (some people are there out of obligation, you can tell). I don't know why, but it moves me. I also go to church when my dad is in town twice a year, cause he most certainly loves the G-O-D and I hate discussing my beliefs with him.

I don't know if this is going to sound far-fetched, but it's as if I have become too practical for God and religion. I used to love thinking that there was someone listening to me and that my thoughts were heard and that God only tested me and my abilities, which is why I am such a strong person, but I've been around long enough to know that nothing doesn't come from nothing. If you want something, you have to go out there and get it. You make things happen. God and religion cause so much chaos in the world (the Middle East - point in case). There is no reason in arguing belief, you can't. It's an intangible.

I won't be so naive to say that there is no such thing as God or a Higher Power. The question said "PROVE OR DISPROVE." My answer to this question, which took me a good 20 minutes to come up with my one sentence response, became a pivotal part of my life. While my classmates scribbled away endlessly, I sat there going over things in my head. In the course of the class people were either strongly for God or they were against God; I was on the fence. I was confused, my religious foundation was being cracked wide open and my practical-logical side was taking over, and ultimately won.

How I answered this question was, "You cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God." I got an A. I wish I would have added on more to my response... something to the effect of, how do you measure faith? You can't, it's intangible, it's a feeling... You can argue that it is logically possible, but you can also argue a flying toaster and a duck performing brain surgery are logically possible, too.

I identify myself as agnostic; the only thing I am sure of when it comes to God and Religion is that I am not sure. I don't think there are ANY religions that are wrong. There are extremist that take things too far, but that goes for anything.

In the words of Courtney Love "I don't really miss God, but I sure miss Santa Clause." It's true, Santa delivered the goods, but then again, neither God nor Santa delivered the Easy-Bake oven. Perhaps they are in cahoots, or better yet, maybe I didn't mention wanting one to my parentals. Moral of the story: be cover sure to cover all your bases, bottom line.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Pull-Out Method.

Yes folks. I am talking about the form of preventative sex where a man pulls out just before he blows his load on your/ the ______ (insert any noun here).

This is not a form of birth control and contrary to popular belief, "pre-cum" (for lack of better terminology) is not, may I repeat NOT, an urban legend. In fact, I believe half of out mother fucking population is here because of pre-cum and the ill-effective "pull out" method.

What I don't understand is that prophylactics are readily available and accessible. A quick trip to CVS and (as I have heard through rumor) the Dollar Store will prove that condoms (and other preventative measures) are that convenient to purchase. Heck, if you are too cheap to buy them the Health District and the UNLV campus offer up condoms and lube for FREE!

Yes, I understand that condoms are awkward; they irritate your sensitive bits, they temporarily interrupt the action, and they taste and feel like hell. I don't enjoy them myself to be honest, but I also know that there are ways around condoms and there are several, may I stress that several, alternatives to the rubber (if you are monogamous and koodie free).

The pill. It offers a wide array of positive side effects, which I will not get in to. (On a side note, my pill is chewable and I relish its minty flavor, but don't recommend washing it down with a Diet Coke - no excuses you ladies that cannot swallow pills.) Yes, the pill is costly (mine is $50 a month with insurance), but I will take the consolation prize of forking over $50 monthly because a "nino" would cost me considerably more.

The other methods, besides the ridiculous pull-out method, include: oral contraceptives, inter-uterine devices, spermicides, condoms (available in various colors, sizes, and flavors - oh my), patches, rings, vasectomies, shots, diaphragms, female condoms, and my favorite optins, blow jobs and anal sex (in jest, I digress)!

The pull-out method, people you have got to be fucking, kidding me. This is 2008 not 1902 and as much as religious fundamentalist and right-winged politicians favor it, we all know that there is information out there and that abstinence isn't a proven method of birth control either (I get preachy at times, sorry). We all know that we should "cover the stump before we hump."

Sex in and of itself is ridiculous and humorous and wonderful. I mean, there are lubes called "Motion Lotion" for god sake, sex can be fun and enhanced with that shit. As a friend once told me, the "Porn Store" is the happiest place on Earth (personally it freaks me out, don't judge), but it's true everyone leaves there happy (with intent to orgasm). So grab your partner(s) and head on down. The ladies and gentleman behind the counter and behind the 14" real life phallic apparatus will be more than happy to assist you in your kinky endeavors. Don't feel ashamed, I am sure these people have seen, well not necessarily have seen, but have heard it all.

Anyway, the pull-out method is a crock of shit and down right irresponsible. Everything on the aforementioned (I may have forgotten a few) list of contraceptive devices, gels, and whatnot are affordable and available. They are a lot less costly than a life form that will be dependent on you (and some dude you may not like or know all that well) for 18 plus years.

Hey, who am I to judge, you may in fact be a fan of the "Big A," which is also a way to alleviate spermination. Heck, I will be the first to admit if my god forsaken womb was to create a cell sack that was to multiply its' cells by the minute, I would be the first in line at Planned Parenthood to have it Hoovered out. Then I would joke about how I was pregnant for thirty minutes. I'm wrong like that.

The moral of the story is, the pull out-method, really? People you are smarter than this (or I would like to believe that you are).

You PULLER-OUTERS know who you are and all I have to say is, "tsk, tsk."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Embracing my lame-aucity.

Over the weekend, I had a dinner date with some friends that have commented on the fact that I have become REALLY lame lately. I even left this dinner party at 9:30 PM (and I didn't have to work until 8 AM at Starbucks - in the old days, I could stay out until 1 AM -- 6 hours of sleep would suffice).

My new found lameness was based on 4 main points:

1. I don't smoke anymore.
2. I don't drink anymore (my birthday being the exception and furthering my justifications for my own personal prohibition).
3. I don't dance anymore (no clubs, but I do want to check out this Mixx Lounge everyone keeps telling me about).
4. I am in bed by 11 PM every night.

After careful evaluation, I have decided to embrace this lameness.

Smoking is not and never will be good for me or anyone for that matter, I do think about it fondly and am at times desperate to take a drag, but don't for fear of starting again.

Drinking turns me into a bigger, dumber whore than I already am.Who feels GREAT after a night of debaucherous intoxication? I know I don't and my birthday took 3 days of RECOVERY.

I still do dance, but I just don't like crowded, loud, smoke-filled clubs and annoying freshly turned 21 year old drama, I am too old for that shit.

As far as me passing out ridiculously early, I work 2 jobs (TWO!) and I am school. Also, nine times out of ten, I only have ONE DAY OFF a week and I would rather not spend my ONLY FREE time, getting all dolled up and excessively inebriated to spend my ONE DAY OFF recovering from a hang over, inevitability wishing death upon myself for my foolish antics the previous night.

I usually have a "TO DO" list on my one day of freedom, which regularly involves domestic duties: laundry, shopping, cleaning, homework, and whatnot, which we all know I detest; someone find me a wife that will do that shit for me, it'd be much appreciated.

So, some may say lame, but I say, grown the fuck up. (Yes, saying "fuck" was completely immature and I embrace that, too.)

Monday, November 3, 2008

Election Day

Tomorrow is Election Day, it's do or die time.

I was one of the many who took advantage of early voting, so I have said my piece.

I am completely nervous about the outcome of tomorrow's events. I am liberal (Socialist- if you will) and have cast my vote, which is a liberty I take seriously. I don't know how I will feel if Obama doesn't win. I will probably be heart broken and lose a lot of respect for my fellow Americans; perhaps I'll even threaten to move to Canada, agian. I mean, the decision is easy. Do you like how things are going now? No, then vote for the opposite, if you are happy and want to keep on truckin', vote for the same.

It just makes me nervous to know that people still don't know who they are voting for. I hate when people say generic crap like "I am voting for the lesser of two evils." Come on, no one is politics is that fuckin' horrible. It's a tough job, trying to decide what is the best for everyone. I also hate the saying "voting is dumb, voting is stupid, your vote doesn't count." It does, too, jackass. We determine the electoral vote by MAJORITY.

Regardless of your opinion, whether you are Republican, Democrat, Green, or Independent make your voice heard. Then, you have every right to bitch about politics, which really are all around us and they dictate our life more than we know. Speak your mind, make your voice known. Take 20 minutes out of your "SO BUSY" day (it take most of us longer to commute to work in the morning) and VOTE.

Be smart. If you are registered to vote, then get out there and rock it! Maybe I will even buy you a Jamba Juice.

I am Jessica I. Mullen and I approve this message.