One-sided friendship.

I had a conversation tonight with a friend about our relationship or lack there of... and the gist of it boiled down to his shitty response: "well, I'll call you when I want to talk."

As a friend, I tend to be needy at times, but I can also be very, very distant... almost to the point where I disappear and stop returning phone calls and texts are ignored, but just when you think you have lost me, I reemerge. Thankfully though, I have a wide group of friends that I can keep myself occupied with.

But really? I have to wait for YOU to CALL me? First off, in this particular "realtionshit" I am the one who has to initiate the few calls that we do have. Of course, I said it was selfish and one-sided for it to be this way, but that's what it is. Relationships on any level function as a two way street. I can't be your friend only when it's convenient for you... it's crap and it kind of hurts my feelings. I think I may just like him more than he likes me. Which is okay, it happens in relationships. There are several people who I like more than they like me and vice versa, it happens, it's life. I am thankful to be a part of each and every person I am involved with lives. Really, I don't have a problem meeting new people. Send me anywhere and I guarantee I will make a new friend and have their number in 20-30 minutes. I am a people person. People love the shit out of me, sometimes I feel bad that I spread myself too thin. There are so many interesting people with their life story and I want to hear it all. I gladly welcome random, awkward, stranger conversation; that shit gets me off. (Ugh, sorry, random tangent, back to the focus!)

I wish I could just let him go, but I can't. I invested too much and I care about him. He's in that sacred circle. I just wish I wasn't hidden. I should have gone about things differently. But, it is what it is. I am not sure what it is, but I do know that I don't like it. But nonetheless, I will take it because it is all I have of him and I am willing to take whatever lousy piece I am offered, which makes me feel gross because I am better than that.

I think he regrets me. I am his best kept secret and his biggest mistake. I wish I could be honest with him about the whole thing. It would just freak him out, he would tell me I am an over thinker. Which, yes, I do think a lot, all girls do. I break down, I analyze, I try to figure it out. I think where I differ from others is that I speak out about it. I am neurotic and I let my words flow freely, sometimes it bites me in the ass, but more often I find that people are welcoming to my thoughts and ideas because they are thinking them or have thought them, too.

I think I am just upset that I am not getting my way. I am so use to people jumping at the chance to hang out with me, the fact that someone can have such flagrant disregard of me, kind of has me taken aback. "I'll call you if I want to talk." Of course you don't ever want to talk, you are a boy. Guys are simple. So simple. I just want to pick his brain and get to know him better. Is that so wrong? I am curious about him, is that so bad?

This is just crapola. It's life and you always want what you can't have... and certain cravings are harder to kick than other. NARF-POOEY.