Drama Queen Ho

"I am one of those/ melodramatic fools/ neurotic to the bone/ no doubt about it" - Basket Case, Green Day

Truth be told, I suffer from MELODRAMATICS. It's probably one of my best, most exciting qualities. At the same time, it's one of my biggest down falls as well. I love and hate it about myself. I know a lot of my melodramatics stem from me being overly sensitive.

Sometimes my dramatics are hilarious. For example, when I was telling some girlfriends about my first time, we were merrily driving along in my car. We turn into my friends apartment complex and my one girlfriend exclaims, "Omigod!" Which freaks me the fuck out so I slam on my breaks and scream, a long drown out, screech. They burst into hysterics so intense that they have tears streaming down their cheeks. They still try to freak me out to get that ridiculous squeal that I make. I was really scared. I have never been in a horrible car wreck, so my vivid imagination goes straight to worst case scenario. Needless to say, should I have screamed? No. But did it enhance the situation? Absolutely. Was anyone harmed? Negative.

I am a bit over dramatic. So what? Yes, sometimes my irrational mind makes me feel like I am crazy, but my hysterics, my mania, my neuroticism are essential to who I am. Imagine how I would be if I wasn't crass mouthed, uncensored Jessica. I mean, in my "posse" I am the Samantha (Sex and the City reference). What would Saturday morning breakfast be like if I wasn't talking about "coloring" or offering my nonsensical advice or spewing out witty remarks? I'd be boring and drab and dull and unglittery.

Sometimes I know I can be a bit much, but we all can be lumped in that category. I have gotten better. I am working on my volume control. If you have noticed, when I am out and about, I ain't so loud anymore. I am becoming more aware of my immediate surroundings. Like always, I am evolving. Slowly, but surely. I wasn't even aware of these changes, but my friend told me about them and they were dead on... creepy how that happens.

What's bad about my meltdowns is that I lose it. I lose my cool. I cry, I get hysterical. It comes in three strengths: Medium, Hot, and Spicy. I freak out. The last flip out I had was in the hospital. I generally freak out when things are not in my control. And if you know me well enough, you will know my meltdowns, but it very rare when Hot/Spicy come out. If you have seen Hot and Spicy. You know you are in my CIRCLE. I know if I saw anyone breakdown they way that I breakdown I would deemed them worthy enough to be carried off to the LOONY BIN. (Again, my theatrics are coming into play.) I hate when I get to that level. I feel out of control.

I have found that I am nowhere near as loca as I was in my teenage years. I am an older, different type of crazy. As I mature, I am becoming this person that is... I don't know. Everything and nothing I want to be. I remember standing in the mirror as a little girl wondering what I would look like as a teenager, as college student, as a twenty-something. I would think about how big my boobs would be and I would dream of a red convertible with a big, bulky car phone (because I was/am determined to be important). I always picture myself with a horrid 80s perm and big puffy sleeves.

I am still very much that little girl who dreams big and has a million hopes and dreams, that gets scared and is a little insecure from time-to-time. I thought I would be at a different place in my life. 10 year old Jessica would have taken over Broadway by 16, pursued Theatre at NYU, and would be married and probably have a child or two, preferably two sons. But you cannot plan life and those moments that catch us off guard and make our world stop spinning are the moments we are most alive, when we grow. At least that is how it works for me.

I have my moods and my wide range of emotions. As does any queen who expects to be in control all of the time. I am fabulous. I am funny. I am capable. I am every awesome color in the awesome rainbow. I am glittery. I am dramatic. And people love it. People love me for being over the top and off the wall. My friends can depend on me to cheer them up and show them a good time. I get in my funks, but I bounce back quickly. Twice as much, how could I be a drama queen ho if I am only sequins and Spandex? I have to shake things up, I have to show my versatility.

Here I am with a tiara, glitter, a heart that has band-aids and super glue holding it together. I am not perfect, but I only know how to be me and live my fabulous, ridiculous life. This is my life, this is my production. And I will always graciously take my bow and allow you to throw roses at my feet. I am a princess, after all.