(DISCLAIMER: This is a satire and meant to be clichéd and stereotypical, I love my gays and they love me… and as the saying goes… whores of a feather flock to cock.)
Jessica I. Mullen
First off, there is my unexplained adoration for Britney Spears and Euro-pop in general. Most people consider this “guilty-pleasure pop,” but I assure you this is my music of choice. Madonna, I adore her. Any sort of diva kind of does it for me, even if their lyrics are shallow. I am all about the beats. I like to shake what my momma gave me. I will always have pretty “lame” music lineup in my car, right now I believe I have Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Brit, and some other really stereotypical homosexual pop in there. You can bank on that.
Secondly, I love glitter. Really, I know it is prepubescent. I am ridiculous. Angela (my wife) told me to keep tally of how many times in a day I was told that I was ridiculous, silly, crazy, etc… So, on a Saturday during phone calls and being out and about with my friends, I got it a whopping TWELVE times, I kid you not. Really, since God (or whomever) gave me such perfect skin (read: vanity) I don’t have to wear a lot of face gook to make me look presentable, I found this glitter stick think that I wear as a base. I am really tempted to wear it everywhere, but I don’t I save it for when I am out on the town. My friend questioned my glittery habits, she stated, “Jessica, why are you always so glittery?” Which, my immediate response (wit) lead me to say, “because I am fucking fabulous.” Really, glitter… if I could find a way to do so, I would shit it.
Another reason, I consider myself gay is my affinity for tacky, gawdy accessories. The bigger the better (I take my cocks the same way too). Really, I like glasses that will cover my entire face (hangover) and I like accessories that make a statement (see: photo albums 80s Prom Party, note: giant pink vagina flower). I get my nails done. I primp and pamper. I do my make up when I have no intention of going out, I will do my hair, too. I like to look good and smell good. I love big hoops (I even have a glittery pair) and I don’t care how LAME or TACKY it is. I will rock that shit. Seriously, I have two tiaras and I sport them like I just won a game of “Pretty, pretty princess.” Really, I love cheap, expensive, excessive, loud accessories. I am also deeply offended by “scrunchies.”
I have a vulgar mouth. It is sassy and words like “fuck,” “cunt,” “cock,” and “semen” are not foreign to my “crass whore mouth.” Really. Gay men love to talk about giving head, so and so’s package, and how Astroglide is the most AMAZING lube ever introduced to mankind. I love it. I also love how they use the word “COCK” as freely as I do. They have that innately sexual nature that we all possess (you can be a virgin and you still can figure out the fundamentals of what to do) and they are explicit. You can learn a thing or 50 from a homosexual man…
Dramatics, I have a minor in theatre from UNLV and we all know I am a Drama Queen Ho. I have gotten much better at biting my tongue and holding in my inner anguish and rage (damn you maturity), but I am still in my head a lot. I am an over thinker and I look for a deeper meaning in EVERYTHING. It’s my Virgo nature… I also say silly shit, like, “we haven’t talked in 2 weeks, are we breaking up” or if you piss me off, “Our love = dead,” These statements scream gay boy (or 13 year old girl).
I also am not one that is afraid of scandal. I’ve done some shady shit in my days. I am thankful I gave up Catholicism because there is no guilt like Catholic guilt. Also, to further drive the point home, I can’t possibly subscribe to a religion that condemns my own kind. Then there are politics, I am Democrat (borderline Green party, Socialist extraordinaire), I am a bleeding heart liberal. There is always, always a juicy story to report and because I am so curious (see: nosy) I can dig up information on almost anyone and I am pretty well connected that I can get just the right info to get your life story… Really, just test me. I am just curious for you and everyone. People fascinate me and I like being the first to have the “goods” on someone, I call it a gift.
My fragrant use of pet names makes me queer, too. I love calling people hun, sugar, sweet pea, lover, darling, gorgeous, and handsome. I do it all the time and am completely unaware of that I am saying such things. Some may say it’s my Southern upbringing, other say it’s just because I am SO nice. (I am not a nice girl, really, I am kind of a bitch – another fierce, gay quality).
Lastly, my love of spandex. I am a self admitted pervert. My mind lives in the gutter and I fear, not fear, I have embraced the fact that it will ALWAYS be there. I love spandex and I love how they “cling” to the body, yet leave so much to the imagination. I know most people are turned off by it, but spandex at the gym or the beach and you pair it with sweat, sweet Jesus, I am in Heaven and my mind starts turning a million different ways, girlfriend.
To sum it all up, I am a gay, gay boy. I am here and I am queer and I am not going anywhere. I will tell people they are fabulous, I will use my glitter stick, I will dance around to Brit-Brit in my living room with a glass of wine, I will continue to say cock (even at Target with a 10 year old child in ear shot- always not to knowledge, I swear), and I will one day be brave enough to wear sequins spandex in public and it will be every color of awesome in the awesome rainbow (pun intended).
PS: Feel free to add any of my "gay" qualities that I may have missed.
No comments:
Post a Comment