Getting Back To Me.

This blog here is for my friends and everyone else on this current wave of "suck."

Lately it just seems like everything is wrong. Personally, my stomach is upset and my shoulders ache beyond belief (if anyone wants to work out my knots, I'd appreciate that). The issue I am talking about here is, I don't know, I guess lies.

There are several types of them.

First is the bold face lie. Think back to your 15 year old self. Mom says to you, "Honey, where have you been all night?" After you have just walked in to your house at 1 AM and you are clearly disheveled. "Oh, I was at Amanda's house and we were hanging out and I feel asleep." You know you were out with Johnny, making out, resisting the urge to go all the way. You lie cause you can and really the repercussions of lying aren't that severe. Let's face it, sometimes lies are way more fun than the truth.

Then there is denial. Sweet Jesus I love denial. I am the queen of it. When someone says to me, "Jessica, did you yada, yada, yada..." I get my whole innocent-confused face ready and utter my infamous line, "I don't know what you are talking about." I just outted myself, if I state this line, grill me long enough, I will crack either by laughing or admitting it. I am a shitty liar anyway.We all do this. Play dumb, act innocent. We are all guilty of it. No one is innocent. We are all liars.

Then their are the folks who lie to themselves. People who wouldn't know the truth if it smacked them in the face. These are the people who get defensive when you call them out on their bullshit and then in turn get mad at you for not feeding in and buy said bullshit. These people are so lost, my heart goes out to them.

Next is the series of "little white lies." These are fun and somewhat harmless. For example, a pregnant friend asks you, "do I look fat in this?" And you respond, "oh, no darling, you are radiant." Who is going to tell a pregnant woman they look fat? No one in their right damn mind would. Pregnant woman are hormonal beast in a league of their own (see "Knocked Up" for prime example of said insanity). These lies are meant to be harmless, but they can malfunction.

Then there is the good old, lie by omission. This one is a beauty. If you know the answer and know damn well that you know the answer and know that no one will EVER, EVER, EVER catch you in this malarkey: why are you going to out yourself. These are the worst lies ever. They have the potential to end marriages/relationshits, create feuds, start wars, break hearts, and the list of "shit consequences" goes on and on...

I've just have way too many friends dealing with this nonsense (currently - hence, the "wave of suck"). It's creating hurt, creating agony, of being pushed around, having to deal with people's shit, of not just coming out and saying what is on your mind. This cycle of insanity will end when someone has enough balls to man up and say, enough is enough. Dig deep, find out what is making you deviate, what is making you unhappy. Figure it out. STOP THE INSANITY (wahoo, Susan Powter). People (in my belief) are good, we just get lost sometimes, we jump off tracks, we get scared, we go for the easy out.

If you love someone, say it. Who cares what anyone thinks. Love is never wrong. (If someone hits you, that isn't love- stop lying yourself and stop taking that bullshit, you are better than that). If you are unhappy in your situation, discuss it. What can you do to change it?Figure that shit out, all you are doing is making yourself miserable and in turn going to end up hurting yourself and others.

Sometimes I think life is a series of break ups and make ups. I mean, just think about relationships for a hot minute. When you are with someone and you aren't happy with them anymore, you break up or you cheat, then you eventually break up… It's that easy. If your job is pissing you off, look for a new one, accept new job and break up with the old job. If your friend isn't that great of a friend, break up. It may seem cold-hearted, but it's not. This is your life. YOURS, not anyone else's. We (people in general) waste too much time in other people's happiness. We can't make people happy, we can't change people. We can only do those things for ourselves.

So, in 2009 I am doing things a little differently. I am not doing them for other people. I am doing them for myself. I am going after what I want, who I want, and I am doing it when I want. Shit is gonna be on my terms. I am going to be more selfish, I am going to be more "me" focused. I love people. I genuinely do, but other people don't determine my cash flow, whether my bills are paid, there is a roof over my head, my car, my happiness… those all have a MY in common because those are all me. I am the owner of my life and I am taking it back.

To everyone that stands in my, good bye to you. New wave baby, get on and enjoy the ride!

(I just reread this and it a crazy, hot mess and I love how my mind works; hopefully y'all can follow my rant and get something - or not - out of this, I think it's pretty smashing!)