The Pull-Out Method.

Yes folks. I am talking about the form of preventative sex where a man pulls out just before he blows his load on your/ the ______ (insert any noun here).

This is not a form of birth control and contrary to popular belief, "pre-cum" (for lack of better terminology) is not, may I repeat NOT, an urban legend. In fact, I believe half of out mother fucking population is here because of pre-cum and the ill-effective "pull out" method.

What I don't understand is that prophylactics are readily available and accessible. A quick trip to CVS and (as I have heard through rumor) the Dollar Store will prove that condoms (and other preventative measures) are that convenient to purchase. Heck, if you are too cheap to buy them the Health District and the UNLV campus offer up condoms and lube for FREE!

Yes, I understand that condoms are awkward; they irritate your sensitive bits, they temporarily interrupt the action, and they taste and feel like hell. I don't enjoy them myself to be honest, but I also know that there are ways around condoms and there are several, may I stress that several, alternatives to the rubber (if you are monogamous and koodie free).

The pill. It offers a wide array of positive side effects, which I will not get in to. (On a side note, my pill is chewable and I relish its minty flavor, but don't recommend washing it down with a Diet Coke - no excuses you ladies that cannot swallow pills.) Yes, the pill is costly (mine is $50 a month with insurance), but I will take the consolation prize of forking over $50 monthly because a "nino" would cost me considerably more.

The other methods, besides the ridiculous pull-out method, include: oral contraceptives, inter-uterine devices, spermicides, condoms (available in various colors, sizes, and flavors - oh my), patches, rings, vasectomies, shots, diaphragms, female condoms, and my favorite optins, blow jobs and anal sex (in jest, I digress)!

The pull-out method, people you have got to be fucking, kidding me. This is 2008 not 1902 and as much as religious fundamentalist and right-winged politicians favor it, we all know that there is information out there and that abstinence isn't a proven method of birth control either (I get preachy at times, sorry). We all know that we should "cover the stump before we hump."

Sex in and of itself is ridiculous and humorous and wonderful. I mean, there are lubes called "Motion Lotion" for god sake, sex can be fun and enhanced with that shit. As a friend once told me, the "Porn Store" is the happiest place on Earth (personally it freaks me out, don't judge), but it's true everyone leaves there happy (with intent to orgasm). So grab your partner(s) and head on down. The ladies and gentleman behind the counter and behind the 14" real life phallic apparatus will be more than happy to assist you in your kinky endeavors. Don't feel ashamed, I am sure these people have seen, well not necessarily have seen, but have heard it all.

Anyway, the pull-out method is a crock of shit and down right irresponsible. Everything on the aforementioned (I may have forgotten a few) list of contraceptive devices, gels, and whatnot are affordable and available. They are a lot less costly than a life form that will be dependent on you (and some dude you may not like or know all that well) for 18 plus years.

Hey, who am I to judge, you may in fact be a fan of the "Big A," which is also a way to alleviate spermination. Heck, I will be the first to admit if my god forsaken womb was to create a cell sack that was to multiply its' cells by the minute, I would be the first in line at Planned Parenthood to have it Hoovered out. Then I would joke about how I was pregnant for thirty minutes. I'm wrong like that.

The moral of the story is, the pull out-method, really? People you are smarter than this (or I would like to believe that you are).

You PULLER-OUTERS know who you are and all I have to say is, "tsk, tsk."