My Not "To-Do" List

Most people have lists of things "TO DO" before they die, their so-called "Bucket List." I, on the other hand, think it would be far more interesting for me to write about things on my "NOT-TO-DO List." A "NOT-TO-DO LIST" is simply experiences I would rather not experience, things I will be more than content to miss out on in my life.

1. Bear a child. This is quite simple. There is nothing (and I mean nothing )that appears more horrifying in life than a sack of cells growing inside my body. Then after countless side effects (morning sickness, expanding belly, hormonal imbalances, random food cravings, etc) I have to push this life form through my vagina and there is a possibility of ripping something, pooping in front of complete strangers, contractions, and complications resulting in emergency c-section. On top of that, you are now responsible for this child for the rest of your life. Let's face it. Most of us move out after high school, but how many times have you had to swallow your pride and move back home for a minute or ask daddy to borrow a few hundred… I have no desire to give birth or carry on my family's genes.

2. Sky dive. The thought of being on an airplane alone makes me white-knuckled. Then you want to strap some stranger to me and have me chuck myself toward the earth? I don't think so. I am not an adrenaline junkie and don't think I ever will be. I am also heavy, so I think my velocity will be that much more intense. So, I will try to stay as grounded as possible. I am speaking in terms of my physical body, we know my ego is through the roof.

3. Eat monkey brains. I don't think I even need to reiterate why. Monkey brains… just fuck that.

4. See the Middle East. I live in Vegas, it's about 117 degrees during the peak of Summer, mind you. The thought of seeing a part of world where it is equally as hot, then throw in some religious fundamentalism, and to top it all off centuries of hostile religious clashing. Why would I want anything to do with that?

5. Become vegan. I love animals, yes I do. I also love a nice steak. A diet with no meat, cheese, cheesecake, ice cream, chicken nuggets, lobster, and whatnot is no life for me. Half the people who subscribe to this way of life (which I have nothing against, fyi) look like they need to eat a pizza. They look pale-faced and emaciated.

7. Turn Republican. Time after time, I have heard from friends and acquaintances that once I have completed my graduate degree and I am making "bank," my social-liberal view points will change. Apparently my greed will take over. Shenanigans I say. I'm not conservative in anyway, shape, or form. I believe in taking care of the people and I don't care if a percentage of my income goes to provide basic social services.

8. Fall out of Love. I am convinced I will never love any man more than I love my cat, Deanzo. Twice as much, I've been down that street a few times . It turns me into a mushy sack and then someone inevitably fucks it up. My jaded views on matters of the heart can be attributed to Disney movies.I believe in love, I just don't believe in undying, unwavering, all consuming love. I believe in moderate love that comes in waves of highs and lows.

9. Be a Housewife. I don't want to have kids. So, a stay at home mom was purposely not chosen. I cannot imagine staying home all day, shopping, cooking, cleaning, being completely domestic. However, the thought that my biggest burden could possibly be reruns of "All My Children" and not having any entertainment between the twelve and one o'clock hour is quite liberating. Also, a torrid affair with the mail man is another fun-filled fantasy running through my mind.

This is all I can think of for now and I am sure I will add on to this list, but as of now, this is it. As long as the aforementioned experiences stay away from me, I am sure I will continue to be a happy, go-lucky lady.