Lost

No, not the television series; it's how I feel.

I just think at my age, education level, and with my social skills my life would be different. I'd be different. I'd have something to show for it. I don't want to sound entitled, I know you have to work hard and fight for what you want (and believe me I do), but it just seems I've been a ridiculous rut for the past 10 months. A lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same. It's the humdrum of everyday life.

I still don't know what to do or where to go or what I want to be when I grow up. The only thing I can see myself doing is this romanticized version of being a writer. I always have something to say or an opinion about EVERYTHING, so essentially I have a lot of areas in which I can draw from; possibilities, endless. I really could write and write and write forever. I just don't know if anyone besides my friends or family would have any interest in reading anything I wrote. I really want Chelsea Handler's job. Seriously, I'd write books, host a TV show, get up on stage and tell people from my sassy, comical, ridiculous, random point of view.

Sometimes I wish I was brave, could pack up all my necessary belongings (and beings, cannot forget the kitties) and move far, far, far away... And start over, redefine myself, redefine my life, all with a clean state. I know this is just another silly fantasy I have.

I just know that my life is destined to be more than what it is right now. It has to be. I can feel it deep within me. Metaphorically, I feel like an overfilled pot of water. It's all bubbling, things are getting hot, and before too long the water starts to bubble over... that's where I am at. I am at the point where I am on the verge of something... BIG.

And whatever this BIG is, I am not sure what it is, or if it is already staring me in the face, or that if it comes to me, I won't know what to do with it. I guess more than anything, I will quote U2, "And I still haven't found, what I'm looking for..." I don't even know what it is that I am looking for and that in and of it's self is the problem. If you don't know what you are looking for, how can you find it?

Maybe here, as the optimist that I am, I can stumble upon some dumb luck and find some much needed purpose to my life...