May Day!

May, the month of May in the year 2009 has been... testing, to say the least.

I know that I am being challenged. Some tasks I have breezed through and the roles I needed to assume fit like a glove; other challenges have lead me to stumble and my actions have left me filled with regret and doubt. I failed, miserably.

My biggest challenge this month has been with my sister. I am not airing out her laundry, those of you in the know, know and those of you who don't, don't. She is going through the biggest, most shocking challenge of her life. Having me as a sister, she has constantly (over and over and over again) been strong for me. Whether it is my health, stupid boy drama, to my panic attacks, to my ridiculousness... she has always been there for me. Through the tears, the laughter, the hysterics, every corner of my emotional depths and she has stayed strong. For the first time ever, I had to be the crutch, the support for her. I never knew I was able to be that for my sister. I have had friends who I have helped time-in and time-out, but knowing that I have been strong for my sister (crying when she cries, laughing when she laughs or giving her sass for not being funny, when she thinks she is, to arguing with her, to being compassionate, to just being there when no words are to be said). I assumed this roll so easily and so effortlessly that looking back now (still in the mix of it), I am proud of myself. Mostly, I am proud of my sister. She is so strong and so wonderful. I wish I could wave a wand and make all this hurt, frustration, and confusion disappear.

Another challenge is that scholastically. Here I am on the brink of my MBA, 6 weeks out. I am filled with doubt thinking that this is the wrong degree for me. My passion has been and always will be people. I care too much and I care deeply. Having gone through darkness in my life has lead me to be an empathetic and compassionate individual. Business is a fairly easy topic, it's black and white, and almost anyone can grasp on to the concepts. But I am not savvy or ruthless. Unless I can land a job in the HR/PR/Marketing realm, I feel pretty lost. I am not good with numbers and Finance/Accounting bored me to tears. This economy and my lack of experience in the business world scare me. I am thankful for my charisma, magnetism, and charm because at the end of the day, I know that they will carry me to where I need to go... otherwise, I may have to get on my knees and get to where I need to go "the old fashion" way. I am also scared what having all of this free time means. I am going to throw myself into my next challenge: BOOK WRITING!

I have a new roommate and with new roommates comes the whole "adjustment" factor. The getting used to this persons schedule, their little ticks, and their little weirdnesses. I have lived with 1294802398423 million people, so I am aware of the "rules." It's an adjustment and living with other people is hard at times and can also be enjoyable, too. However, being the straight forward person I am, I laid down the rules before she moved in. I made it clear. Asked if she had any questions... and now, we are dealing with a "boyfriend" issue. I am hoping for the best and praying for the best. I hate feeling uncomfortable at home and arguing in general. It makes my stomach turn and makes me feel icky.

Lastly is something I never write about and most people don't know about, but this will be vague and like I said before, if you know, then you know, if you don't, then you don't. To put it lightly, I have a "situation" in which I have been involved in (on-again, off-again) for the last nine months. It is a situation I have been in before and I have a tendency to be attracted to (see also: I'm a commitment-phobe). This last situation, however, was different. I get all blushy and twitter-patted when text messages or phone calls come. I didn't just like this guy, I liked-liked this one. One of my favorite phrases is:"loose lips sink ships" and well, I got a little booze in me and I got loose-lipped to someone in his "circle." I broke trust. I've jaded a friendship. I don't know what the future holds. I want this person in my life. I enjoy his company. He makes me laugh and feel good about myself. More over, he is so separate from my everyday life. I don't know quite how I feel about this, yet. I am still processing it all. I am sad. I am disappointed. I am hurt. Mostly because I hurt someone I care about and broke their trust. It's an awful feeling and there is nothing I can do to fix it. As I am writing this Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" came on the radio and that song reminds me of him and the last 9 months. It makes me laugh, want to cry, and slightly cringe all at the same time.

So, this is my messy life as to date. There are lessons to be learned, some I have found, some I still trying to find the bigger picture. It's a "trying" time, but I always have been and always will be a fighter.

This seems to be a closing chapter in my life and as my friend told me the other day, I am about to embark on an exciting new adventure with new friends, lovers, and others. I am nervous, but excited and I guarantee I will land on my own two feet, resilient as ever.