Fabulous!

I am a fabulous, fabulous bitch.

I've put a lot of thought in to this and I am pretty sure if I tried hard enough I could indeed shit glitter.

Here is a list of why I am fabulous:

1. I am a gay man (a queen if you will).
2. I have a clutter of cats with random names.
3. I am tall enough that I don't have to wear heels, but can rock them if I need to.
4. I know all the words to every damn *NSYNC song!
5. I have maxed out a credit card buying Britney Spears tickets.
6. I say OMG and LOL in common everyday talk.
7. People know I am a whore and accept me for it, in fact I have an entire Whore Posse.
8. I also know that the bird is the word.
9. I have a BA in Psychology and a minor in Theatre.
10. I can karaoke Britney Spears and/or Madonna better than anyone.
11. I went to college with Your Mom.
12. My little sister goes by Barbie.
13. I have read the entire Harry Potter series twice.
14. I speak my mind.
15. I tend to buy cocktails that match or accentuate my outfit.
16. I make COCK cakes and have a dick of the month club.
17. I don't believe in exercise, but believe highly in SEX-ercise.
18. I resemble Monica Lewinsky.
19. I didn't vote for Bush, TWICE.
20. This year, I Baracked the vote.
21. I have kissed lots of girls.
22. I have kissed even more boys!
23. I was once voted 'Biggest NOT Nice Person.'
24. I won the fifth grade spelling bee at my elementary school.
25. I am only 6-degrees away from Kevin Bacon.
26. My dad is a Postal Worker.
27. I am 6 months away from my M.B.A.
28. I named my 'girls' Thelma and Louise.
29. I know what happened at Band Camp.
30. I am a Starbucks Barista.
31. My home is the Pussy Palace.
32. I put a boot up Best Buy's ass.
33. There is a Hello Kitty toaster in my kitchen.
34. I have a written list of all my lovers.
35. My favorite band is tattooed on me and I share this tattoo with my oldest hussy.
36. I can do my make up with a little compact mirror while in a car.
37. The fact I don't have to wear make up at all, I am hot.
38. I have a tiara and wear it whenever I want!

I could go on and on, but my ego is a force to be reckoned with. I will bid you all ado and recommend that you concur with my list or I will cut you. And when I say cut you I mean, have one of my many bitches with ninja skills do the dirty work. Divas don't touch it. (Remember I have a posse.)

Tootles!

UNR - Freshman Year

This evening I received a text message from a friend I made in my UNR days. It stated, "I just saw a car with the license plate that said GOPENS." If anyone recalls Danielle, the RA on the first floor of Manzanita Hall, was a huge Penguins fan and she, too, had a GO PENS! sign, in which my bastard ass would graffiti it to read something like this, "GO PENiS!" Hey, I said I was a bastard already; an 18 year old one that was living in Reno, far away from her parents (and any sort of authority figure for that matter).

Thinking of this ridiculousness reminded me of how amazing my freshman year of college was. It was a strange, thrilling thing. We were a pretty tight knot group in Manzanita-Juniper Hall circa 2000-2001, we even called it "As the Dorm Turns" or ATDT for short because of the constant drama that ensues when you house young men and women in close quarters, then throw hormones in to the mix. So, I decided to write a blog and get nostalgic on this very pivotal year of my life! I don't even recall classes that much, mostly since I slept through all of them (and had to retake them during the summer), except that lame Environmental Science course I took with Julila who insisted on pounding on my door until I opened it-I never really slept through it, I just "pretended" to be a heavy sleeper (usually I was just nursing an intense hang-over).

Here is a list of some of the HIGHLIGHTS of that year:

Sorority Hoes – never did I know TPing a dorm room would be considered a FIRE HAZARD.

Underage gambling – it's more fun than it seems and you run like hell when you actually win more than 2 quarters.

Happy Hooker Hunting – Being 18/19 in Reno, it's just what you do, and as the "dorm man" often reminded us (not from experience) that "real" prostitutes don't have all of their teeth.

Shopping carts – you can push Saul's skinny ass through the halls or push one into the center of Manzanita Lake (sess-pool).

Domino's Pizza – Who still has advantage cash?

The Dick – it was there three times a day, except on Sundays!

Lydia and her Cocoa Puff – it only took Julila how long to figure out what "that" sound was.

Suck it, JJ – because Dorm Probation does exist.

The fucking Ducks – Seriously, they are loud, foul smelling asses and apparently geese.

The Tent Crew – Thanks for calling the cops on us Danielle, you cunt.

Your Mom – who didn't sleep with that big, white hairy assed lady?

Lounge Sleeper – Haha! He was bunked up with that weird redneck, confederate flag toting kid.

The Red Hot Chile Peppers – Viva Chile Merde! Exchange students are so bad ass.

Dead Man…zanita Lake – I will never forget the day the pulled that bloated body out of the water!

Vote No on Fountain 2 – strangely after the shopping cart on frozen Dead Man…zanita Lake, they installed that crappy fountain which keeps what circulating and unable to freeze.

24 Hour Shut the FUCK Up Hall – who decided it was a grand idea to put my loud ass in a 24 hour quiet hall, honor's dorm?

My Mormon Roommate and her stinky boyfriend – boy did I make a huge fuss about this! I still don't understand why he was so upset when he woke up while I was Febreezing him.

The Wall of Shame – it included all of my parking tickets, dorm write ups, random acts of klepto-ism, and all the other sorts of ridiculousness that I deemed to be worthy. Then I had to take down the "Wall of Shame" because I was ridiculing dorm authority. I just moved it in to the confines of room 304 where we mocked it was in hiding.

Pack in the WAC, bitch! We were the WolfPACK in the Western Athletic Conference! Somehow, this became our Motto!

Ding 'Em – aka Aaron, looking in to Nye Hall with binoculars and telling us he saw "menageries."

Squirrel Island – how did the squirrels even get there?

Mike – Yes, the blind kid who was super mean. Whatever happened to him?

These were the best days of our lives. When life was simple and all the basic needs were provided. We had meal plans, dorms, and people who were 21 at our needs!

Boo to the Flu!

Oh the flu, it came out of nowhere... it started out as minor muscle aches and a twitch in my throat, and then took a turn for the worse, but alas I woke up (barely) feeling like I had been hit by a truck Friday morning. It took me awhile to pry myself out of bed, and when I finally was up, I didn't even attempt to put myself together.

I arrived at work 30 minutes late and left about an hour later. I felt like hell and it was obvious. I love being asked, "oh, what's wrong with you?" To which I answered, "I think I have the flu." Each person backing away from and reaching Lysol wipes once my response was uttered. I love feeling like an infectious disease. I was going to try and suffer through the next hour or so my office was open, but it didn't happen. I wasn't man enough to endure it.

When I am sick, I am ridiculous. More ridiculous than usual, may I add. I can't function. I am a hot, hot mess. So, yesterday leaving work (which is in North Las Vegas) and getting home (which is remotely in the Mountain's Edge area) felt like forever (it takes about 30 minutes without traffic), I walked upstairs and went into a coma.

I woke up feeling like hell... it was worse. All I did was sleep. I went to bed at 8:30 the night before. All I did was sleep and I hate it (it has to do with being unproductive). So, last night about 9:30 PM I woke up, I decided to take a shower and head out to get drugs... who goes out of the house at 10 PM (at this point) with the flu and a wet head of hair (it was 42 degrees out according to my hi-tech car)? This reiterates the fact that I don't function while I am sick.

To make matters worse, I had to go three (technically, four the Walgreen's on Blue Diamond and Durango is still under construction) different pharmacies to get doped up. Both the CVS and Walgreen's on Warm Springs and Durango closed at 10 PM. I had to drive down to the CVS on Rainbow and Warm Springs, which is 24/7 (which the other two should be as well, this is Vegas, damnit).

So, I hop in to CVS and am on a mission to get on drugs. Except the place is littered with crap, there are all sorts of random goodies in the store: make up, holiday cards, bath room goodies, and several of those "As Seen on TV" products; the drugs I needed were all the way in the back of the store. It's strategic because if spread my coodies all over the pretty things, people will get infected with my coodies and then have to happen upon CVS for their sickness needs. Apparently, I was disoriented cause the CVS dude came up to me and asked if I needed any help. (I may not have mentioned this earlier, but this flu has made me extremely nauseous) Mr. CVS smelt like pure ass-oline aka Marlboro Reds. It took all my will-power to not puke all over the store and him. I grabbed TheraFlu and other assorted goodies and made my way home.

I don't know what exactly in is in that TheraFlu, the TheraFlu Warming Relief, and Vic's VapoRub, but it was a winning combination. I drifted off into a drug induced slumber and awoke this morning only feeling as if I had been hit by a small sedan! I still feel like hell, but am a little more functional and pretending to be coherent enough to write this blog, but nonetheless I am on the downhill slope toward normalcy.

To add to my ridiculousness, there is a Hannah Montana marathon on the Disney Channel, followed by the first two installments of High School Musical. Yes, I am aware that I am well into the latter half of my twenties, I am pushing thirty almost, but I love this crap. It is wholesome, Americana at its finest. Perhaps I enjoy it so much is because every other aspect of my life is so complicated. I like relishing in the in the nothingness of it. No hidden messages, no sustenance, just pure sugar-coated Frosted Flakes and I eat that shit up by the over sized spoonful.

So if anyone needs me, I will be on the couch, in my PJs, sippin' Lemon flavored TheraFlu, cuddling with Deanzo, and watching "crap" TV. God Bless Americana.