I feel like the life in me has been sucked out.
I'm not happy. If anything, I am more apathetic.
I am discontent and restless.
I feel like my life needs to change.
I feel like stirring the pot and I have, but that's only left me feeling more apathetic and has alienated me even further... It's a giant cycle of FUCKED UP.
I feel too old to be going through a quarter-life crisis, but maybe that is what your 20s is all about. Major, major fucking up. There are two things I am really good at: school and fucking "good things" up.
I just don't want to be second best. I don't want to be an excuse, a justification, a reason, I just want to be wanted and needed and understood and loved and happy. I don't think that is too much to ask for.
I don't feel like I belong. I feel that people judge me without knowing the real me. I feel like people only like the funny, happy, silly Jessica. No one likes the dark, scared, weak, sad Jessica.
Sometimes I feel like I am two very different people. Most of the time, we'll say about 85% of the time I feel happy, loved, accepted, needed, wanted, and overall content with myself and life. The other 15% I feel horrible and sad and moody and ugly and gross and every other self-limiting belief one can have.
People like bright, happy, perky Jessica. No one can deal or handle or understand dark, gross, ugly Jessica. I don't even fully understand her... She's a part of me, but a part of me that scares me and freaks me out. She's the part of me that thinks those dark, disgusting, scary thoughts.
I feel like I am crazy. I wish I had a therapist. Someone to speak to about this... nonsense, craziness, chaos that is affecting me...
I just feel so alone and jaded and sad.
Here's to a better tomorrow...
6 comments:
What you need to realize is that everyone goes through stages in their life that they feel a change is on the horizon, you seem to shut out people when that change is about to happen. I'm sure that everyone loves the happy, perky, funny, silly, and everything positive Jessica. Nobody knows that other Jessica because when she comes out you hide. Sounds like maybe you should get checked out? Maybe there's a more serious problem at hand and not just mood swings?
I hope that you find happiness.
I think I may have histrionic or borderline personality disorder... I am leaning more toward histrionic. And I am serious... I feel awful about. I wish I was insured. I need a therapist.
maybe this is you? good luck with your findings.
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder
I am a 100% sure I am not bipolar. I've been to psychologist in the past and I am most definitely not. Signs for bipolar start in adolescents. And whomever you are you're a pussy for hiding behind "Anonymous." I am going to figure out a way to see a specialst. I know there are free progams offered through the state. I do know that I have an issue and I do know I need to seek help for it.
I am sorry for offending you, this was not my ammo. I was simply trying to help. I hope that you can see someone soon. Take care.
I looked up the DSM-IV classification of histrionic personality disorder. Every criteria I read describes your behavior. I am glad that you have acknowledged that you have some sort of a mental health disorder. I hope that you choose to take action and seek help. Until you do you will continue to experience the same cycles of behaviors and feelings. I hope you find what you need to feel happy and content with your life. -BKL
Post a Comment