Losing You.

What appears below I just finished writing. I went to write about a friend, who at one point in my life I loved more than myself, more than my family, more than anything in the world or universe, but we aren't exactly "friends" (or much of anything) anymore. My friendship with this person was/is a bitter-sweet, romantic-dramedy that never should have happened, but did. It was the cause of a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, a lot of joy, but mostly heartache, pain, and suffering. It will always be my one true unrequited love story.

To quote Mean Girls "Isn't it weird when your friends aren't your friends anymore?" It is weird. How one day you're tight-knit, then they fade into an obscurity, nothingness.

I've deleted your number out of my phone for the thousandth time the other day.
We've fought like cats and dogs.
It's an old game and we play it all too well.
I thought we were at a place where we could be honest with each other, but...

I was wrong.
You lie.
Always.
You do it so effortlessly.
You've always been a God to me.
Up on the highest pedestal.
I'd grovel on my knees.
You are a mimic, a mime of what you wish to be,
What you hope to be, but what you'll never be.
I once thought I knew you.
And I thought I knew you well.

You aren't a mistake, no.
You're the greatest lesson I've ever had to learn.
You fooled me, time and time again.
And I thought we were like a phoenix.
We'd burn so bright and flame so hot, that nothing was left,
Nothing but ashes of what once was so illuminating.
And we'd always rebuild. Start anew.

The other day, I ran across some pictures.
Pictures of memories.
Memories made without me.
It made me cry. I couldn't stop.
Anger.
Jealously.
Forgotten.

You seem to have left me in the dust.
Forgot to include me.
I had become a distant memory.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I may have been deserted,
but I found something old.
Something that I had once forgotten,
that I had left behind.
I was welcomed.
I was embraced.
Open arms.
Free of judgment.
Never left to feel alone.

I found reality.
I found love.
I found friendship.
I found home.

For losing you,
I got the greatest gift I could have ever known.
Losing you, I found everything.
Losing you,
I found me.


(I really don't know where this came from, but I wrote this! And this is magical and emotional and part of my journey, my life's story. I hope YOU find it and that YOU read it. Think of me every now and then and when you do, I hope you smile. Goodbye, my friend. May life treat you kindly and maybe someday you can meet me half way. Truly forgive me for all the wrongs that I've made and love me for me. Because this simple request, I've already done it for YOU.)