Where are the words?

Hey you, yes, you! Hi. I know, I haven't written in ages. Why? Uh, good question...

Why haven't I written in what seems like forever? I haven't written because: I feel lost. I have been processing and swimming in my head, lost in my own thoughts. I wasn't really aware of it until recently, but it's the truth. Every year around my birthday (8 days away) I reflect on my life (mi vida loca, more accurately). This year, on the brink of turning 28 (how did I get so damn old?) I am internally freaking the FUCK out. I am currently not working (for the first time in FOREVER) and I have to move home, where my sister has recently located as well. All the Mullen girls (my Mom is still legally a Mullen even though my her and my father have separated over 10 years ago) are all under the same roof, again.

I started this year with TWO JOBS, full time graduate school, a place of my own (with roommates), and in an on-again/ off -gain "affair." All of the aforementioned things are now gone... or ending. The two jobs, I am not doing either. One made me incredibly happy and the other made me despise people (and we all know I love people, have you met me? I'll chat your ear off and swear by the end of the night you're my new BFF). Grad school is over and I am officially an MBA, but what is next? I've always been good at school, but what do I do after school? My place, well, the lease is up in 2 and a half week and I now have to muster the willpower to once again pack my life neatly (scratch that, I just toss it) into boxes. The "affair" ended (abruptly) in May. Was it a clean break> No. I miss him terribly. It was 9 months and it's the longest I have ever been interested in a boy/man/dude, ever. I miss him beyond belief, he still haunts my dreams, and two nights ago, I actually cried about it. (Why I am admitting it is another story and will require more processing, but hey, I am writing, and at least it is something).

I am not too content with where I am in life. I feel like I have been short-handed. I listened to what adults told me when I was young: go to school, go to college, get a great job, get married, settle down, have a family, etc., etc., etc. I've done all of it, well, kind of, and in an unconventional way. 1) I have a Masters degree 2) I've never had what I considered a "great job." 3) I am married, but not to the love of my life or even to anyone I really love (that's another story) 4) Settling down, I have never done that, but it seems enchanting. I swear every time I pack my belongings the further and further I get from home. I have no real concept of home and I don't feel I really belong anywhere. 5) I've never really wanted a family. Maybe that's because I haven't found the right person or maybe my person is married to someone else. WHO FUCKING KNOWS? I just feel like at (almost) 28 my life should be something bigger, better, and more than it is.

I always think, maybe because I get sick so often, God doesn't want me to be with anyone because they'd have to worry about me (my poor family is sick of me being "sick" and I am, too). Then again, this is my own fear. I guess my fear of being alone is so big and so great that I keep myself alone (self limiting beliefs, damn psychology wins, again!). I won't take the run and jump into the deep end of life, even though I am pretty out there. I guess, I won't jump into the deep end of a "real" relationship. Maybe it's because I just am so uncertain in so many things and I know how people are.

I don't know. I want more from life. I want more from people. I want love. I want a career. I want happiness. I want to be healthy. I want to go back to school (I am such a nerd). I just want everything and yet, I want nothing.

I feel like such a paradox. A conundrum. A beautiful disaster.

Anyway, I don't know what is wrong with me and when I will start to feel like Jessica again, but I will, eventually. I always do. Until then, I am floating about this world finding my next fix.