Thinking...

Lately, well, let's put perimeters on this "lately" word. Throughout the month of July, I have been in my head. Swimming around in my own thoughts, being (for me) somewhat of a recluse.

Having studied the mind in my undergrad and having my own fair share of life tragedies, the mind is a very... how do I put it... interesting, scary, amazing, dark, and paradoxical place.

There are places in my mind that are all "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows," but there are places in my mind that are so dark that I don't think I could ever discuss them with another human being or even have the courage to write these thoughts down. Yet, at the same time, I feel that I am crazy for having these thoughts or ideas, but I justify my irrationality by categorizing it as "Things no one ever talks about or repeats to another human being." So, I tell Deanzo (my cat and one true love) and move on until these thoughts reemerge. Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.

Is there a reason that we don't say certain things? I mean, nothing really shocks me anymore. Nine times out of ten, I cannot believe the crap that comes out of my own mouth... but yet, I hesitate to fully share myself and I mean divulge every bit of information in my head. I get so frustrated that I cry and weep and feel like a failure. I feel fake and insecure and paranoid. I feel ugly, from the inside-out.

I like to think at the end of the day I am a normal, typical human being just like everyone else. But the truth is that I am NOT like everyone else. In fact, no one is exactly the same. It's Darwin's "natural variation." It makes sense. No two people are the same, not even identical twins. We all experience, see, feel, enjoy, and dislike things... differently.

I am just confused more than anything because I have so much to say, but am so afraid to say it. I feel weird. I am a weirdo. It's just me and who I am, but then again, my lovely justification is that everyone feels this way, too. I am talking myself in circles and I feel like a nut job and I am still dancing around the issues of not saying or repeating things that I want to say or write.

Why? Because I don't want to be judged or rejected. I am afraid. I have FEAR. It's fear that makes me press on and it is fear that also keeps me humble. It's an intoxicating feeling. I feel as if this was a pointless rant, but what? ever. I write what I want. Does this make sense? Errr... insecurity is creeping in... again.

I need to get out of my head and back into the real world. Plain and simple.