Rambling: What I Do Best

So much has happened in the past 120 days of my life.

It felt as if for a while I was doing everything right, which I was. I was trucking along, but life got stagnant. It got too routine. It became very much something I didn't want nor desire. I became a victim to the 9 to 5 (yes, Dolly Parton version).

I was really lost and confused for awhile, too. I didn't know where to go next, what exactly to do and my personal life started to spill over to my outside life. People who didn't know me at all or even all too well sensed something was up. Wahoo, it was my quarter-life crisis come full effect.

I was neurotic and on edge. Always on edge. I was angry when I didn't need to be. I was sad, depressed even. No one or no thing could make me happy, believe me I tried various avenues of happiness, not even crack-cocaine worked (joking)!

So, I left my life. I walked out on it. I moved back in with my Mom, which made me believe that it would be better/ easier. I was sadly mistaken. Granted I haven't lived with my mom since I was 16, it took some adjusting. It had been 10 years since we last tried cohabitation. I am not home that often, I keep myself busy with two jobs, full time graduate school and friends. It lasted 3 months and never again will I venture that route.

However, I found myself slowly slipping into the role of an adolescent. It was disgusting. I was even treated like one, I'd get a text at 8:30 PM on a Monday, "where are you?" This was bizarre, I'm 26 not 16, this doesn't make sense. There weren't the lovely sentiment texts, "I can't wait til you're home I miss you." However, I didn't miss them either, it made me feel too attached, too needed, too dependent.

Well, I really have no idea where this is going, but I know that a lot of people have said to me lately, man, Jessica 2-3 months ago, we were very worried about you. You weren't being very Jessica, you were moody and quite unpleasant.

I didn't realize I was being such a cranky biotch, it was news to me. But over the time period of the last three months, something changed.

I believe that when I am in these "dependent relationships" it drives me mad. I feel held down and we all know I am a little wild, I have some oats that still need to be sowed. I just don't ever see myself being settled. I am a gypsy, a modern day hippie, I suppose.

Where I messed up is that I left a dependent relationship and hoped right in to a new one... unbeknown to me.

So, fast forward to present day. I am not in a dependent relationship with anyone (besides my roommates, but that is monetary and it doesn't stress me out). It does strike me odd that I do have roommates because I swore a while back I would never shack up again.

I am at my jobs, one of which I enjoy entirely too much and trust me, it's not worth the minute compensation I am receiving. I do it because I love it, damn you Starbucks. My other job working at the HOA, I despised for awhile, I just felt that I could be doing something that I was passionate about and the was really important and that made the world a better place and most of all, that mattered. But I've grown to like it and this job has challenged me mentally, I think I have stepped up and won. I enjoy my work, its not my cup of tea, but I don't think of it in utter disdain. It has allowed me to live the lifestyle I have. Has afforded me a new car (ding dong the beast is gone!), provides me insurance, and makes me feel good about myself.

School, what can I say here, I was struggling for awhile. I got a C in my Finance class which eats at my being, I believe the last C I received was in High School and I got that in Geometry, the whore beast of mathematics. However, like the rest of my life I have got it on track. I am now producing my ridiculously high Bs and As.

Now to my friends, the core group of people I was surround with last year at this time are not the same as the people I am surrounded by now. People have become distant and even non-existent in my life. It's so bizarre that at one point in our lives someone or someones can be so important, you think about the constantly, you call them daily, you tell them everything, then randomly, and slowly the slip away, they fade. They are a simple email that says, "hey, I hope all is well." The detach is just weird. I know I get so flustered I feel like I will exploded or I avoid someone like their the plague and that's just how it ends, it just feels so cheap and cheated. Anyway, I am off subject heer, as if there ever was one to begin with. I feel that now, the people I surround myself with are the most amazing people in the world. Yes, there are large groups of friends, like the whore posse, that have been friends since pre-school (that makes me slightly jealous) that are still together and that I feel so privelged to be a part of, but I constantly go through people, constantly, my core friend base is constantly changing, it's not that I am on bad terms with any of them, it just we let each other slip away. I don't return phones, they don't return phone calls. Laziness takes over or is just another justification... its just odd to me. But, I have the same friends, my friend base just keeps getting larger (I can't help it people love me). It makes me happy to know I have all these people that enjoy my company and my madness, but it makes me spread myself too thin. I get tired, I get flaky. I also don't give up on people, I hate when people don't like me. It upsets me. Even if I have wronged you or spoken poorly about you, I still want you to love me at the end of the day.

So, this really had no point, but I know that three months ago I wasn't a happy Jessica. I am getting back to what's good and it's starting to show. I know I ramble, I could talk to a tree for hours on end and have the most fascinating conversation ever, but I don't, then y'all would realize just how mad I actually am.

I shall end this now. I hope you are all healthy, happy, and okay with whatever situation you are faced with. Things always get worse before they get better, but they will get better. Just keep swimming.